PARTY bags are nothing more than sacks of useless shit. Here are their crappy contents, and the order you’ll secretly bin them:
First: the kazoo
The worst gift for a child hopped-up on cake icing is this so-called musical instrument that produces a harsh, penetrating buzz. Chuck it out of the car window on the way home and blame its flight to the road on a freak gust of wind. Then reverse over it just to be safe.
Second: the bouncy ball
Live grenades have done less damage. Do not let the bouncy ball through the front door, otherwise you’ve only got yourself to blame when your kids and the dog chase it round the house in a game of ‘which valuable item can we smash first’. Spoiler: it’ll be your new 75-inch flatscreen.
Third: the glitter
The silent enemy. While the bouncy ball causes instant havoc, don’t delay in disposing of this shiny f**ker. Can lie dormant for years before being liberally sprinkled over the living room carpet right before guests are due to arrive. You’d think you could just hoover them up. You’d be mistaken.
Fourth: the Slinky
Don’t let its name fool you. Instead of smoothly slinking down the stairs after a light nudge, this cheap plastic coil will only manage one step before lying in wait to trip you up. Throw it away now before it gets tangled around your ankles and sends you to A&E with a fractured elbow.
Fifth: the yo-yo
The yo-yo is a comparatively minor threat to your hard and soft furnishings, but has the potential to ruin your dignity. No child deserves to watch their parent angrily rewind the string for the fourteenth time as they mutter ‘this is different to the one I used to have’ under their breath. Bin.
Last: the raisins
The virtue-signaller of the party bag. Parents only throw in shrivelled grapes as damage control because they don’t want to get dirty looks at the school gates. Your kids know they taste disgusting so they’ll bin them for you. Not even the Minions on the box can save them.