The six things your child gets in a party bag and the order you'll secretly throw them away in

PARTY bags are nothing more than sacks of useless shit. Here are their crappy contents, and the order you’ll secretly bin them:

First: the kazoo

The worst gift for a child hopped-up on cake icing is this so-called musical instrument that produces a harsh, penetrating buzz. Chuck it out of the car window on the way home and blame its flight to the road on a freak gust of wind. Then reverse over it just to be safe.

Second: the bouncy ball

Live grenades have done less damage. Do not let the bouncy ball through the front door, otherwise you’ve only got yourself to blame when your kids and the dog chase it round the house in a game of ‘which valuable item can we smash first’. Spoiler: it’ll be your new 75-inch flatscreen.

Third: the glitter

The silent enemy. While the bouncy ball causes instant havoc, don’t delay in disposing of this shiny f**ker. Can lie dormant for years before being liberally sprinkled over the living room carpet right before guests are due to arrive. You’d think you could just hoover them up. You’d be mistaken.

Fourth: the Slinky

Don’t let its name fool you. Instead of smoothly slinking down the stairs after a light nudge, this cheap plastic coil will only manage one step before lying in wait to trip you up. Throw it away now before it gets tangled around your ankles and sends you to A&E with a fractured elbow.

Fifth: the yo-yo

The yo-yo is a comparatively minor threat to your hard and soft furnishings, but has the potential to ruin your dignity. No child deserves to watch their parent angrily rewind the string for the fourteenth time as they mutter ‘this is different to the one I used to have’ under their breath. Bin.

Last: the raisins

The virtue-signaller of the party bag. Parents only throw in shrivelled grapes as damage control because they don’t want to get dirty looks at the school gates. Your kids know they taste disgusting so they’ll bin them for you. Not even the Minions on the box can save them.

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Five things to hide when guests come to stay

HOSTING guests this weekend? Hide these shameful possessions before they realise what a sick weirdo you really are:

Your toilet reading

Anyone can put fancy books they’ve not read on their shelves, but the books in the toilet are who you truly are. Avoid judgement by replacing trashy Trump tell-alls and your well-thumbed copy of Khloe Kardashian’s weight loss memoir with The Book of Bunny Suicides. What could be more normal and funny than a book about rabbits killing themselves?

The contents of your bedside drawers

Your dildos and entry-level BDSM gear aren’t the issue. They’ll elicit respect, or at least mild fascination, even from your parents. Instead it’s your mindfulness journal that will induce nausea if discovered. Nothing is more sickening than learning you’re grateful to the universe for clean bed sheets, and you’ve documented it.

Your bank statements

Why haven’t you gone paperless anyway? If guests find out you’re loaded they’ll make you buy more rounds and rinse you for half-marathon sponsorship. And if you’re broke they’ll judge you for running up a credit card debt on noise-cancelling headphones. Shred that shit.

Your children

When it comes to creating a good impression, the last thing you want is offspring bursting in, scribbling all over the walls, and revealing that you can’t parent them without the aid of three streaming services and a Nintendo Switch. If you can’t palm them off on their grandparents, lure them into the shed with a Dairy Milk and lock it.

Your desire for them to leave

Your burning desire for time to pass more quickly so your guests can f**k off sooner is the hardest thing to conceal. If they’re not in the toilet when you need a dump, they’re hovering around while you pretend to cook a Loyd Grossman sauce from scratch. Wind your clocks forwards and tell them to piss off.