Passing your driving test first time and other achievements twats need to get over

SOME achievements should be proudly cherished forever. Then there are these accomplishments which idiots need to shut up about.

Passing your driving test first time

This was moderately impressive when you were 17 because you could drive your friends to house parties, later discovering it was shit being sober. Once you’re older, repeatedly mentioning your first-time pass just looks desperate. Shrewd listeners will deduce that you’ve done f**k all of any note since.

Being cool at school

Being cool at school is largely about luck. Maybe you made the right joke at the right time, or perhaps you happened to be wearing the trendiest trainers on a particular day. Either way, kids are impressed by some pretty stupid shit. They were in awe of Dave Mackey because he stole a copy of Escort off his older brother.

Wearing an expensive watch

All watches tell the same time, so stop thinking that spending thousands of pounds on a timepiece which does the same job as your phone screen is some sort of incredible achievement. Unless you wanted to achieve looking like a colossal bellend. In which case, well done.

Beating a personal best

If you scaled Mount Everest faster than your previous go then fair enough, that’s amazing. However trudging your way around a park slightly less slowly than usual will not take anyone’s breath away. And stop sharing your Strava routes, everyone ignored them the first few dozen times so take the hint.

Saving a tiny amount of money

Looking after your finances is wise, especially as the cost of living crisis kicks in. However eating leftovers for lunch does not make twats the genius-level economic masterminds they think. They’re having a horrible meal that saves them an amount of money that is basically useless, and makes your 85p bag of crisps look like cordon bleu cooking.

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Five obvious lies women tell men about what they find attractive

MEN are slightly disgusting, so it’s not surprising women fib about what they find attractive. Here are some nice sentiments that are actually filthy lies.

‘I just want someone who’ll make me laugh’

Technically true, but what she really wants is for you to make her laugh AND have all the other qualities she desires. When you’re not making her roll in the aisles with professional-standard jokes you should be earning a decent salary and dressing well. And if she hears a burglar downstairs you’ve got to fearlessly investigate, not do a Woody Allen routine about being a coward.

‘I actually find bald men really sexy’

Those bald men being The Rock, Pep Guardiola and, from certain angles, Jason Statham. Sadly, you’re none of the above. Due to your follicles giving up in your mid-20s the only bald movie star you resemble is Gollum. Any woman who says this should have to go out with a quota of baldies before she’s allowed to settle down with a lusciously-tressed Fabio lookalike.

‘Money isn’t important to me’

Implausibly, women are not interested in the stuff you need to eat, own a home and buy non-shite birthday presents. The truth is they don’t want to go out with the Wolf of Wall Street, although he is your financial role model, but nor do they envisage a romantic future of perpetually extending your overdraft and going through jacket pockets in the hope of finding a fiver.

‘I like grey hair, it’s distinguished’

It certainly is, if you’re Sir David Attenborough. But most women aren’t trying to get jiggy with iconic 95-year-old nature broadcasters. Unless they have severe daddy issues or are really interested in whales. Your best option is to crack open the Just For Men. Just beware it running down your face if the temperature goes above 11 degrees, making it look as if your head is melting.

 ‘I don’t care about muscles’

Women love your beer belly and don’t care if you don’t have washboard abs. Yeah right. And they don’t care if you’re ‘cuddly’ (ie. horribly out of shape) and sex is like a manatee navigating a slippery rock. No, they love puniness and blubber and it’s just a coincidence that now they’re going to the bathroom to google pictures of Channing Tatum.