SOME achievements should be proudly cherished forever. Then there are these accomplishments which idiots need to shut up about.
Passing your driving test first time
This was moderately impressive when you were 17 because you could drive your friends to house parties, later discovering it was shit being sober. Once you’re older, repeatedly mentioning your first-time pass just looks desperate. Shrewd listeners will deduce that you’ve done f**k all of any note since.
Being cool at school
Being cool at school is largely about luck. Maybe you made the right joke at the right time, or perhaps you happened to be wearing the trendiest trainers on a particular day. Either way, kids are impressed by some pretty stupid shit. They were in awe of Dave Mackey because he stole a copy of Escort off his older brother.
Wearing an expensive watch
All watches tell the same time, so stop thinking that spending thousands of pounds on a timepiece which does the same job as your phone screen is some sort of incredible achievement. Unless you wanted to achieve looking like a colossal bellend. In which case, well done.
Beating a personal best
If you scaled Mount Everest faster than your previous go then fair enough, that’s amazing. However trudging your way around a park slightly less slowly than usual will not take anyone’s breath away. And stop sharing your Strava routes, everyone ignored them the first few dozen times so take the hint.
Saving a tiny amount of money
Looking after your finances is wise, especially as the cost of living crisis kicks in. However eating leftovers for lunch does not make twats the genius-level economic masterminds they think. They’re having a horrible meal that saves them an amount of money that is basically useless, and makes your 85p bag of crisps look like cordon bleu cooking.
