Peeling back the plastic on a cucumber, and five other homoerotic experiences straight men can enjoy

IF you’re a heterosexual man, you may foolishly believe homoerotic experiences are not for you. But these incredibly gay day-to-day activities can give the even the straightest men a sexual thrill.  

Peeling back the plastic on a cucumber

Any straight man who’s rolled back the plastic film on a ripe, eight-inch cucumber understands the exciting and challenging feelings the task provokes. The trick is to enjoy how it feels without thinking about it too much – then put the cucumber away and pretend it never happened.

Riding pillion on a motorbike

Grasping the firm torso of another man from behind is about as homoerotic as it gets. The added thrill of being on a motorbike – not to mention the vibrations of the engine – makes this one an absolute must for any open-minded straight guy. It’s a sensory buffet. Grip that waist extra hard on corners, it’s purely for safety.

Eating a banana/ice lolly/hot dog

Eating food that’s shaped like a penis is about as close as you can get to giving a man oral sex without giving a man oral sex. And it just so happens that a lot of phallic food is really delicious. Does your love of hot dogs reveal something about your sexuality? Who cares. A mouthful of manly meat feels so right.

Watching an action film

A huge number of action films – particularly those from the 80s and 90s – are virtually indistinguishable from gay pornography. Rewatch any classic movie with Schwarzenegger, Stallone or Van Damme and you’ll realise they’re all actually just 90-minute celebrations of the male form. There’s usually a token woman, but she’s just there for gay guys in denial.

Playing basically any sport

It’s hard to deny most sports have some pretty heavily gay overtones. First a bunch of chiselled, athletic men roll around on some grass, then they have a shower together. Despite this, sport is inexplicably considered heterosexual and macho – when in fact everyone playing or spectating is clearly 100 per cent homosexual.

Hanging out with other men

What could be more gay than a bunch of men hanging out together? The possibilities are endless. And, at the end of the day, what’s a handjob between friends? It’s not really gay if you’re just doing it for a laugh.

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Kwasi Kwarteng's foolproof guide to personal finance

GOT a lump sum you want to invest? Unsure about which ISA to get? Here Kwasi Kwarteng answers your personal finance questions using his vast expertise.

How can I invest my savings with low or zero risk?

The obvious option is a high-interest savings account. But a hacker could easily download all the money from a major bank, so I’d keep your savings under your mattress. For even greater security, dig a hole in a field and bury them, but make sure no one sees you.

Should I invest in cryptocurrency? 

Yes yes yes! Crypto is guaranteed to make you a billionaire so go all in! Remortgage your house and borrow money from friends and family and spend it all on Bitcoin. I put £89,000 into crypto that’s currently worth £0, but that’s just a blip in the market.

What is your advice on investing in shares?

In these precarious times, I’d only buy shares in solid, reliable businesses like obscure internet start-ups. I’ve just bought 1,200 shares in Bongle, a new company that delivers gourmet meals for pet alpacas. It’s a totally untapped market.

Should I pay down my debts or save for retirement?

Debts every time. I saw a story on the internet about a woman who got trampled to death by cows. Cows! Just goes to show, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. She was only 41, so a fat lot of good her pension did her. I wouldn’t bother with a pension at all. It’s not like you’ll enjoy spending the money when you’re old and decrepit.

I’m fairly healthy. Is there any point in getting life insurance?

No. In fact it may hasten your death if you meet someone and they murder you and make it look like an accident. I’ve seen The Postman Always Rings Twice

I’m self-employed and worried I’ve been paying too much tax. What should I do?

Don’t spend a modest sum on an accountant. As a libertarian I believe all tax is wrong, so simply refuse to pay it. Obviously HMRC will try to extort money from you, so get some assault rifles by mail order from the States. Then when the bailiffs turn up barricade yourself in and shout ‘I am a free man, not a tax slave!’ and fire a few warning shots. That should be the end of the matter.

Are government bonds a good investment?

Yes, the Bank of England can’t get enough of them thanks to my visionary policy of massive unfunded tax cuts. It’s good that someone appreciates my financial genius.