IF you’re a heterosexual man, you may foolishly believe homoerotic experiences are not for you. But these incredibly gay day-to-day activities can give the even the straightest men a sexual thrill.
Peeling back the plastic on a cucumber
Any straight man who’s rolled back the plastic film on a ripe, eight-inch cucumber understands the exciting and challenging feelings the task provokes. The trick is to enjoy how it feels without thinking about it too much – then put the cucumber away and pretend it never happened.
Riding pillion on a motorbike
Grasping the firm torso of another man from behind is about as homoerotic as it gets. The added thrill of being on a motorbike – not to mention the vibrations of the engine – makes this one an absolute must for any open-minded straight guy. It’s a sensory buffet. Grip that waist extra hard on corners, it’s purely for safety.
Eating a banana/ice lolly/hot dog
Eating food that’s shaped like a penis is about as close as you can get to giving a man oral sex without giving a man oral sex. And it just so happens that a lot of phallic food is really delicious. Does your love of hot dogs reveal something about your sexuality? Who cares. A mouthful of manly meat feels so right.
Watching an action film
A huge number of action films – particularly those from the 80s and 90s – are virtually indistinguishable from gay pornography. Rewatch any classic movie with Schwarzenegger, Stallone or Van Damme and you’ll realise they’re all actually just 90-minute celebrations of the male form. There’s usually a token woman, but she’s just there for gay guys in denial.
Playing basically any sport
It’s hard to deny most sports have some pretty heavily gay overtones. First a bunch of chiselled, athletic men roll around on some grass, then they have a shower together. Despite this, sport is inexplicably considered heterosexual and macho – when in fact everyone playing or spectating is clearly 100 per cent homosexual.
Hanging out with other men
What could be more gay than a bunch of men hanging out together? The possibilities are endless. And, at the end of the day, what’s a handjob between friends? It’s not really gay if you’re just doing it for a laugh.