Therapy an absolute must, say people it doesn't appear to have helped

PEOPLE who have not benefited from therapy insist it is something everybody should try, it has emerged.

Despite still being as anxious and paranoid as before, neurotic whingers who have been through therapy are convinced it is transformative and that even happy and well-adjusted people should give it a go.

Therapy attendee Jack Browne said: “Talking to a professional once a week has helped with my mood swings. I used to get them all the f**king time which pissed me off. Now they’re gone and I feel amazing!

“If you’re on the fence about it, try a consultation session and see how you go. It’s totally chill. And if you don’t I’ll break your legs for being a stupid twat who doesn’t care about their mental wellbeing. How’s that for incentive?”

Over-thinker Emma Bradford said: “My therapist has turned my life around. Or have they? Maybe I would have made all these personal revelations by myself? Perhaps it’s all a load of nonsense like astrology. Who knows.”

Counsellor Helen Archer said: “Therapy is absolutely something you should do, as a job. I make 50 quid an hour sitting on my arse. It’s easy money.”

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Women love being called 'girls' at work

DESPITE claims to the contrary, women love to be referred to as ‘girls’ in the workplace, it has been confirmed.

Adult women in all industries dislike titles that make them seem unflatteringly old, and would much rather their male colleagues and superiors refer to them by something more youthful.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “When I started here this place had a toxic atmosphere. Men would call me by my name or, even worse, ask me for my preferred title. I felt like a withered old hag.

“I talked to the birds from HR and a dolly from the canteen and we all agreed enough was enough. We bravely stood up for our rights and demanded to be referred to as one group, like a class of incontinent toddlers.

“Miraculously, it worked. Now the men call us ‘girls’, place their hands on our lower backs when they want us to move out of their way and take credit for our ideas, which is exactly what we wanted. We feel young again.”

Boss Stephen Malley said: “I always listen to the girls’ demands. Also, it means I don’t have to be arsed to remember all those silly female names.”