Picnic voted most stressful way to lunch

DRAGGING damp sandwiches into wilderness to be bothered by wasps has been confirmed as the most stressful way to eat a meal.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that the only people who enjoy consuming food without a chair, table, crockery and hygienic surroundings are depraved masochists.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The people we surveyed complained about the usual things: the weather, being swarmed by insects, the fact that cling film turns anything wrapped in it into a sweaty, squishy pulp.

“Also mentioned was needing stitches after being attacked by rabid seagulls and being struck by lightning while sheltering under a tree eating crisps in a thunderstorm.

“However, despite this reality, picnics have developed a romantic image and people persist in attempting to enjoy them, spending hundreds of pounds on things like foil-backed blankets as if it will stop them nearly being trampled by cows.

“It’s as if their minds are wiped each time, even though the majority of picnics end up with people eating scotch eggs in a lay-by while desperately trying to ignore the dogging couple a few cars down.”

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A farewell love letter to table service in pubs

REST in peace, mandatory table service in pubs. Your valiant service will be remembered long after Freedom Day.

Months of social restrictions have taken their toll on the public, but you were always there to make us feel like big swinging dicks when the barman brought our drinks right over to our table.

No longer did we have to jostle at an overcrowded bar for a pint, struggling to get the attention of the staff by aggressively waving a tenner in their face. Whenever we made a pub reservation we knew we were in for a civilised evening, and we have you to thank for it.

We secretly hoped you would stick around after July 19th, although deep down we knew that was wishful thinking. It was only a matter of time until we were forced to get off our arses and carry our drinks around ourselves, but when we do, we’ll think of you and smile.

And that’s because for one fleeting year, thanks to you, us punters were treated like royalty, and we realised that maybe the Europeans have got this one right and being crushed cheek-by-jowl with shitfaced strangers isn’t the foundation of a good night out.

So go gentle into that good night, pub table service. You were worth downloading and struggling to use poorly designed apps for.

Yours, England.