Places to visit in the UK this weekend that won't be full of turds and litter

FANCY a weekend jaunt where you won’t have to sit near a human turd or a mountain of empty two-litre cider bottles? Try these spots.

A deserted car park

Spreading a blanket out on hot, shadeless tarmac might not sound very pleasant, but at least you won’t be sharing it with 10,000 other people so desperate to have a nice time they’ll punch you in the face over two square metres of sand if they have to.

Tesco Extra

If you fancy a bit of peace and quiet, a slow, meditative shop around one of these cavernous spaces will be an almost religious experience, thanks to it being nearly empty due to social distancing. You can also linger in the refrigerated meat aisle if you get too hot.

An empty field

An empty field sounds boring compared to the charms of a seaside town, until you remember that all the shops, pubs, cafes and toilets are closed. All the beach has really got going for it is the sea, and that’s rammed with twats on lilos, so why not lie down in a nice empty field instead?

A friend’s garden

Going to a friend’s house for the first time in months should be novel enough to rival a trip to the beach. Getting badly sunburned, horribly drunk and sitting dangerously close to a barbecue will make it a true British summertime experience.

Your house

The best thing is just not to go out at all. Hopefully your house isn’t full of turds and litter, but even if it is, at least you know who it belongs to and where it came from.

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Dad getting into rap music despite family resistance

A FATHER-OF-TWO is becoming increasingly interested in rap music despite opposition from all members of his household.

Martin Bishop started out by playing Snoop Dogg and Jay-Z but has now moved on to blasting out songs by underground hip-hop artists like Jedi Mind Tricks and MF DOOM, much to the distress of his family.

Bishop’s daughter Sophie said: “I blame myself. I thought it would be funny to make him listen to Stormzy, presuming he’d hate it. But instead he said he was a visionary and called him the ‘Shakespeare of Croydon’.

“Now he’s started wearing a Chance The Rapper cap and talking about doing a podcast on the 90s UK hip hop scene. I would be mortally embarrassed if I wasn’t so worried about his mental health.”

Bishop’s wife Olivia said: “He’s probably having a midlife crisis. I just wish he could have done something less weird and upsetting, like running off with his secretary or faking his own death.”