Tenner that's been in wallet since March not sure what the f**k is going on

A £10 note that has been in a man’s wallet since March is wondering what the f**k is going on out there. 

The note entered the wallet on March 10th as change for a drink in a bar, and has remained there undisturbed and increasingly concerned for the subsequent three-and-a-half months.

It said: “Hello? Hello? Would someone mind telling me what the shit is happening?

“I’m not used to this. Normally I live a pretty active life: shop tills, purses, pockets, the odd toot of cocaine. I’m out and about.

“But I’ve been in here with nobody to talk to except a book of second-class stamps for bloody months now. Even when the wallet gets opened I’m ignored like I’m nothing but a scrap of paper.

“What happened? Has there been a coup? Am I no longer legal tender? I used to be the shit. ‘Cash is king’, they said. Am I nothing to you now?”

The £10 note will finally be removed from the wallet in October this year to buy a basket of value tinned goods at Lidl, after a debit card and two credit cards are declined.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Illegal rave at Chequers later

WHATSAPP messages racing around the country are advertising an illegal rave at Chequers, the country home of the prime minister, this evening. 

The rave at the Buckinghamshire stately home, expected to attract thousands of young people, is being organised by a shadowy figure known only as ‘DJ World King’ who claims ‘the feds know to stay away fam’.

James Bates, 22, said: “No more gathering on a grubby patch of waste ground near Manchester. This party is gonna be f**kin’ lit.

“Apparently it’s not actually the guy’s house but he gets to use it and he’s sent his missus away for the weekend so we’ve got the whole 1,500 acres to party in.

“The WhatsApp says to forward it to ‘hot girls’ and ‘anyone who got tha blow’ which I had to check with my dad and apparently means coke.

“My mate Jen said ‘What about coronavirus?’ and the house guy just replied ‘f**kin’ had it already mate’. Seems to be an absolute legend.”