Five things the buzzing noise that is definitely your flatmate's vibrator could also plausibly be

THAT sound is a vibrator, and you are listening to your housemate get her rocks off. Here’s five other things that unmistakeable noise could be if you try very hard to convince yourself.

Electric shaver

Sometimes people are inclined to shave their whole bodies at two in the morning. If the image of a hot and bothered housemate is really getting to you, give them the benefit of the doubt: they might simply be trying to make themselves completely bald like one of those weird cats.

A power drill

Do It Yourself has many meanings. Though you know deep down that your housemate is violating your privacy and friendship with a spot of late night handiwork, convince yourself they are just really keen to put up their new framed Justin Bieber poster.

An indoor motorbike

Lockdown saw many of us taking up new hobbies. Though you are yet to see your otherwise shy and retiring housemate in full leathers, there is still a slim chance that they may be next door revving the engine on a small hog.

Vigorous shivering

If you really cannot face the idea of this particular person relieving a bit of tension, consider that the buzz might actually be a brrr. Recent record temperatures are admittedly not in your favour, here, but if the alternative is too troubling, give it a go.

Lots of bees

It is summer now and many people sleep with their window open. There is every chance your flatmate has invited a swarm of bees to share their room, and — no. This is really scraping the barrel here. Your flatmate is masturbating. Let it go.

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Tim Martin, and five other reasons not to go back to Wetherspoons

TEMPTED to ignore your moral compass and visit Wetherspoons when it reopens? Come to your senses with these reminders.

You still have some dignity

Admittedly not much after you spent lockdown shuffling round your flat in the same pair of pants for two weeks. Still, you can avoid hitting absolute rock bottom by disassociating yourself from a pub chain that told laid off workers to get a job at Tescos.

It’s cheap but so is Lidl

A microwaved pie with cold chips and a lukewarm Peroni for less than a tenner sounds like a bargain. However, you can get even more low quality food and piss-like lager for less at Lidl, plus you won’t have to listen to regulars who think Farage has some pretty good ideas actually.

You’ll be bankrolling Tim Martin

He might look like a lobotomised Worzel Gummidge but Tim Martin’s rolling in it. Do you really want to support a man who can’t even use his millions to buy clothes that aren’t polo shirts? No. Save your money for comparatively worthy causes like illegal arms dealers.

Slug & Lettuce exists

If you enjoy bland and underwhelming, try your local Slug & Lettuce instead. It’s comparable to Wetherspoons in that it has weird carpet and you have to walk half a mile up stairs and through corridors to find a toilet, but it doesn’t come with any association to Brexit.

Your cupboard’s full of stockpiled booze

Have you already forgotten that you can get half cut and have a disappointing time with your mates at home? Grab one of the many cheap cans you bought when this all kicked off, fire up Zoom, and pretend to enjoy talking about football.