Sunday, 27th September 2020

Five things the buzzing noise that is definitely your flatmate's vibrator could also plausibly be

THAT sound is a vibrator, and you are listening to your housemate get her rocks off. Here’s five other things that unmistakeable noise could be if you try very hard to convince yourself.

Electric shaver

Sometimes people are inclined to shave their whole bodies at two in the morning. If the image of a hot and bothered housemate is really getting to you, give them the benefit of the doubt: they might simply be trying to make themselves completely bald like one of those weird cats.

A power drill

Do It Yourself has many meanings. Though you know deep down that your housemate is violating your privacy and friendship with a spot of late night handiwork, convince yourself they are just really keen to put up their new framed Justin Bieber poster.

An indoor motorbike

Lockdown saw many of us taking up new hobbies. Though you are yet to see your otherwise shy and retiring housemate in full leathers, there is still a slim chance that they may be next door revving the engine on a small hog.

Vigorous shivering

If you really cannot face the idea of this particular person relieving a bit of tension, consider that the buzz might actually be a brrr. Recent record temperatures are admittedly not in your favour, here, but if the alternative is too troubling, give it a go.

Lots of bees

It is summer now and many people sleep with their window open. There is every chance your flatmate has invited a swarm of bees to share their room, and — no. This is really scraping the barrel here. Your flatmate is masturbating. Let it go.