Wednesday, 12th August 2020

'Thin jeans' armistice to be held when lockdown lifts

BRITONS are being urged to hand over  jeans they can no longer fit into after spending lockdown eating constantly and barely moving.

The jeans that people keep in the hope they will some day fit into them without having to remove an organ are to be handed over and recycled into larger jeans for future lockdowns.

Government advisor Helen Archer said: “Our hope is to bring communities together in a show of unity over how unlikely it is we will squeeze our flabby bodies into our smallest pair of jeans ever again.

“By transforming them into a national reserve of massive jeans, we can maintain supplies of roomy denim that will be needed if a second wave keeps people indoors during the winter pie-eating season.

“If you own a pair of jeans that cut the blood supply off to your genitals before the lockdown even began, there’s no shame in admitting defeat.”

She added: “Those people who fit into all their clothes all the time with very little fluctuation in tightness are being advised to stay the f**k out of this.”