'Thin jeans' armistice to be held when lockdown lifts

BRITONS are being urged to hand over  jeans they can no longer fit into after spending lockdown eating constantly and barely moving.

The jeans that people keep in the hope they will some day fit into them without having to remove an organ are to be handed over and recycled into larger jeans for future lockdowns.

Government advisor Helen Archer said: “Our hope is to bring communities together in a show of unity over how unlikely it is we will squeeze our flabby bodies into our smallest pair of jeans ever again.

“By transforming them into a national reserve of massive jeans, we can maintain supplies of roomy denim that will be needed if a second wave keeps people indoors during the winter pie-eating season.

“If you own a pair of jeans that cut the blood supply off to your genitals before the lockdown even began, there’s no shame in admitting defeat.”

She added: “Those people who fit into all their clothes all the time with very little fluctuation in tightness are being advised to stay the f**k out of this.”

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Greta Thunberg to open ice cream van where all the ice creams have already melted

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigner Greta Thunberg is to spend summer touring Europe in an ice cream van ladling warm cream into your cupped hands for £7.

Instead of announcing its presence with the usual sound of a tinkling tune like ‘The Teddy Bear’s Picnic’, Thunberg’s van will blare out Wagner’s ‘The Ride of the Valkyries’ with an uncomfortable amount of bass.

Thunberg said: “Watching a blob of melting ice cream running through your fingers will make you feel as disappointed and angry as you should be feeling about the melting of the polar ice caps.

“You can also have sprinkles, which are made from crushed up coral reefs that have been ravaged by bleaching. They do not taste good, but neither does a tampon when it is being choked on by a sea turtle.

“Yes, the ice cream is ridiculously expensive. But the toll we place on future generations by abusing the planet is far greater than any price I charge here.

“Also, I’m saving up for another big, fancy boat ride around the world.”