Atomic Kitten and dial-up: Why you shouldn't be nostalgic for the 1990s

1990s nostalgia is increasingly popular, but maybe it’s best if we forgot altogether about the decade that gave us Steps and Jelly Shoes. Here are some very good reasons.

Portable disc players

It seemed cool at the time to have a Walkman hanging from your cargo pants, but really there’s nothing good about an Atomic Kitten album that skips a track every time you go over a pebble. Plus the only CDs in circulation in 2020 are free Daily Mail collections of wartime classics, so it’s unlikely demand will be high. 

White people with cornrows

Some say cultural appropriation, Christina Aguilera said cultural appreciation. Either way, let’s agree never to mention it again. 


It’s crazy to think there was a time when connecting to the internet sometimes took an entire evening, and your mum had to be off the phone for you to have a wank. Now you can bash one out in 30 seconds to an instantaneous Snapchat chain. With modern marvels like this, who wants to go back to slowly loading images of the cast of Baywatch?

Animal Hospital

There was nothing kids in the 90s looked forward to more than sitting down on Thursday evening and watching Rolf Harris whip out his didgeridoo in front of a poorly tortoise. But unluckily for Rolf and the gang this quaint documentary hasn’t quite stood the test of time for some reason. 

A massive recession

No danger of a failed economy under a collapsing, unpopular and best by scandal Tory government today! Wait. 

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Six incredibly basic things you've forgotten how to do during lockdown

AS restrictions are lifted, the terrifying prospect of returning to normal gets ever more real. Here are some simple things you’ve probably forgotten how to do forever.

Midweek sobriety

Without lockdown to blame, two bottles of wine on Monday evening is less ‘taking the edge off’ and more ‘trip to the Priory’. Start getting back to normality by picking one day a week when you drink less than 10 units. Not Wednesday-to-Sunday though, obviously.

Putting on pants

You may have dispensed with pants, favouring pyjamas and dressing gowns. However pants are there for a reason. Practise wearing them for a few minutes a day and work your way up.

Your job

You’ve either been doing nothing or logging on halfheartedly and claiming you’re more productive when you’re not in the office. But your internet history and massive Netflix ‘continue watching’ list tell a different story. Operating a stapler is going to be hideously complicated for someone who can’t even cut their toenails now.


Ironing is rubbish but you need to start doing it again. Get the iron off the shelf, blow out 12 weeks of crusty limescale and release its full potential. Try to see it as an inspirational metaphor – you are the iron.

Not looking at porn in your office

Definitely do not slip back into lockdown habits. Your employer may have given you an internet connection but masturbating in the office is still illegal. Prepare for your return as follows: whenever you’re tempted to look at a sexy site, start a really boring spreadsheet instead. 

Thinking about the future 

Get back into this positive frame of mind by imagining yourself in 2024, by which time you’ll have lost two stone, taken up indoor climbing and quit your hateful job. Since you’re in fantasy land already you may as well chuck in being a millionaire and marrying a model.