Friday, 3rd July 2020

Man sacked from last nine jobs applies to become Tory MP

A MAN who has been fired nine times in a row for incompetence and dodgy dealings is applying to be a Conservative MP.

Martin Bishop feels he needs a job he cannot be sacked from, after being dismissed from roles including shelf-stacker, children’s party clown, data inputter and handing out pizza flyers.

Bishop said: “If I had to admit to two small flaws, they are that I am absolutely useless and venal beyond belief. But now I feel it could work in my favour.

“All my previous jobs have ended badly, not least my cushy number as a bingo caller where I tried to take bungs to make the players’ numbers come up. 

“Then there was my short stint as a postman where I didn’t see any need to actually deliver the letters and just dumped them in a river.

“If I become an MP in a safe Tory seat like Hampshire North, I can’t see anyone sacking me as long as I keeping saying some nonsense like ‘Let’s get Boris’s bloomin’ brilliant Brexit done’.” 

A Conservative party spokesman said: “Mr Bishop sounds ideal. We’ll be sending him our approved list of slogans and half-truths to repeat on the news immediately.”