Playing shows at 1.5x speed: the weird ways boomers and Gen Z watch TV

YOUR elderly parents and the youth of today have little in common, except they choose to watch television like f**king maniacs. This is how they get it wrong: 

Playing shows at 1.5x speed

Sitting down to savour a television programme in real time is eschewed by both, for contrasting reasons: Gen Z exist in a world so stuffed with content there aren’t enough hours in the day to consume it all, while your parents speed through Vera so they can see the murder solved and be in bed with a Horlicks by 10pm.

Dual screening

The young are expert dual-screeners, with one eye on TV and the other live-tweeting reaction or scrolling TikTok. Boomers do the same thing but with Facebook on the iPad. But their brains aren’t wired for it, meaning they’re constantly missing twists in their ITV drama because of drama on the neighbourhood group, where Ethel has seen a possible stray dog.

Talking throughout

Watch telly with anyone below 25 or above 60 and they’ll chatter mindlessly throughout, as if it were no more than visual wallpaper. The former have seen their attention spans destroyed by growing up in the digital age, and the latter by simple, honest senility. Both are equally annoying.

Pissing about with the controls

Your parents have the colour on the TV so high that watching The One Show is a psychedelic trip, because they’re terrified one touch of the remote will break the television forever. Gen Z have had devices in their hands since they were old enough to grip and have to constantly press buttons to know they’re alive.

Having the subtitles on

The young like subtitles because they can briefly look up from their phones and follow the plot without giving it their full attention and besides, it makes for better memes. Your parents like subtitles because they’re deaf and believe everybody mumbles. They will never understand what a meme is and you should never try to explain.

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We ask you: what does the return of Stormont mean for Northern Ireland?

NORTHERN Ireland’s power-sharing assembly is set to return to goverment after two years’ absence. What next for the region?

Wayne Hayes, bank manager: “The IRA’s not come back, have they? I stopped paying attention when they went. I shouldn’t like to have to start again.”

Joanna Kramer, teacher: “Two years’ sulking just because they were lied to, right to their faces and repeatedly, by Boris Johnson! If we all did that no-one would have a government.”

Sue Traherne, ice sculptor: “So who’s been in charge all that time? I suppose they let the Welsh Assembly do it, it’s as easy to pretend to run two countries as one.”

Lucy Parry, drama student: “Controversial, but I actually think there should be a Northern Ireland border. That way you wouldn’t confuse it with the fun Ireland with Dublin in.”

Tom Logan, actuary: “And it’s only costing us three point three billion quid. F**king bargain.”