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How to blame your husband's cheating entirely on the women he's cheating with: a guide for WAGs

HUSBAND cheating? Husband also a multi-millionaire footballer? Then it can’t be his fault and it must be that bitch’s. Here’s how to shift blame: 

She’s a slag

Your partner, the father of your children, is a flawed character. You’ve accepted that, so great is your love for him. But her? She’s a gutter slut which is why she would stoop so low as to offer herself up for no-strings-attached and coincidentally no-contraception-used sex with your man. You’re almost glad this happened because it exposed her for what she is.

If he’s offered it on a plate

No man can refused sex if it’s offered him on a plate, can he? Your husband’s just a slave to his instincts. No matter that he refuses temptations offered on literal plates, ie fried chicken or cocaine, because they’d knacker his career but is apparently powerless to resist this particular one. That’s nothing to do with anything.

Be pregnant

It always helps to be pregnant. Gives you a good excuse for his behaviour, ie you were too distracted carrying yet another of his kids to shag him properly like what you usually do, as you tell Hello, and automatically makes you the virtuous party. If she’s pregnant? Only proves what a deceitful whore she is.

Take the battle to Instagram

The struggle for supremacy with your rival should be conducted entirely on Instagram. Post images of yourself looking beautiful and strong, get fellow WAGs to offer sympathetic comments, and find gnomic quotes in cursive to post without comment. Stuff like ‘Kings rule but queens conquer’ sound like Shakespeare to you.

Instruct lawyers

But don’t actually. Getting actual lawyers involved f**ked Rebekah Vardy right up. And no lawyer will be able to hear your story of being wronged without suggesting divorce, when why should you suffer when it’s all her fault? But say you’re instructing lawyers because it seems terribly dignified.

Never admit that you’re basically identical

Not just physically, because you both have the same eyebrows and fillers and boob jobs and veneers and tweakments, but morally. Because the key difference that makes you a better person is: you got there first. Though perhaps it’s because you’re physically identical he shagged her by mistake? That’s a good line. OK! will like that one.