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Pub has Iron Maiden T-shirts on draft

YOUR local real ale pub now has six guest beers and heavy metal T-shirts at the bar, it has confirmed. 

The King’s Arms in Nantwich recognised a few years ago that it could be providing more for its clientele of bearded CAMRA members, and has made shirts available in all sizes from XL to XXXXL.

Landlord Bill McKay said: “Times are tough in the hospitality industry. Pubs are closing all the time. We realised that to stay competitive we needed to go the extra mile, like mopping the toilet floor or welcoming strangers.

“But since we weren’t prepared to do that, I got creative. And through careful market research of our regulars we noticed that basically all of them wear the same grotty T-shirt with a skeleton on it doing stuff.

“We already knew they didn’t wash, so what if they didn’t need to change their clothes? From there it was a simple matter of buying a few barrels wholesale and hooking up the line.

“We’ve got Powerslave, Senjutsu, and No Prayer For The Dying is especially popular right now. Get one on and get ten pints down you, and you’ll fit right in.”

Regular Olly O’Connor said: “I don’t have to go home now. Spill a 12.6 per cent ABV stout down me, and I just order a new one when Dave goes to the bar. Actually mate, could you get us a Discworld book while you’re there? They’re on tap.”

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Six body-positive icons who dropped that shit once Ozempic came along

FAT, proud and a role model for those who through no fault of their own are larger? Until an injection came alone and now you’re inspiringly thin instead? 

Rebel Wilson

Currently suing everyone in Australia on behalf of everyone else, the insistent-on-her-own-fame actress has lost 70 pounds and her USP thanks to the drug. Head now looks too big. Stands ready to also sue anyone who points out her hypocrisy over the whole body-positive actress ‘Fat Amy’ thing.

Meghan Trainor

Presumably can no longer sing All About That Bass, which is a net positive for the world, or has to rework the lyrics to be about freshwater angling. Has chosen to frame her journey with bullshit about ‘a journey to be the healthiest, strongest version of myself’ so presumably was formerly ill, and weak.

Lizzo

Claims to have stopped using it after she realised she could just eat less, which raises questions about what dietary advice she was receiving previously. Was she in the grips of the only LA wellness guru who hails from Wigan and prescribes courses of pies? Still plays the flute but it’s not really the same, is it, when it’s not a fat lass.

Elon Musk

Once an inspiration to chunky men everywhere, has now viciously turned on them as he does anyone who dares love him. Evidenced by calling Tesla buyers ‘sickly green twats’, Mars a ‘teasing frigid bitch’ and Donald Trump ‘the one that got away. I still love him, but he’s different now.’

Amy Schumer

Comedian who parlayed being larger than most actresses and having a vagina into movie stardom and a comedy career. Now isn’t larger than most actresses and presumably her vagina is worried it will be next. Head looks too big. Is fine for you to carry on being body positive if you want to / can’t afford Mounjaro.

Mr Blobby

A shell of his former self, the yellow-spotted 90s star now lives in rented accommodation in Hastings and can be seen in local nightclubs desperately trying to convince girls it’s him. Still does ‘Blobby, blobby’ but it seems mocking and cruel now. Head looks too big.

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