Pumpkin patches: 12 seasonal locations you'll be forced to photograph your millennial girlfriend in for the 'Gram

AUTUMN is a time of dreary weather and dying trees, but what’s even worse is having to go out and photograph your millennial girlfriend in these locations.

Pumpkin patches

A must for a millennial girlfriend looking to share autumnal energy for three likes. The hardest part will be cropping your photo so the dozens of other girlfriends posing for a picture aren’t in the background of the shot. None of them will actually purchase a pumpkin.


Ordinarily, Starbucks is a liminal space where you wait for a train or a shower to pass. This all changes when pumpkin spice hits the menu, at which point the coffee chain becomes Disneyland for millennial girlfriends. Don’t suggest a couple selfie. This experience isn’t for you.

All cosied up on the sofa

What could be more seasonal than snuggling up on the sofa under a plaid blanket with a scrummy hot chocolate? How about the unrelenting misery of trying to take a picture that looks casual but not too casual, posed but not showy? Because that’s what you’ll be doing.

By a roaring bonfire

Millennial girlfriends couldn’t give a f**k about the historical significance of a bonfire. All they care about is putting on a hat with a ridiculously large bobble and standing next to it for a photo.

In a forest

Autumn wouldn’t be autumn without a stroll beneath the trees, your millennial girlfriend looking on in awe and marvelling at the majesty of how great she looks in nature. She’ll be too entranced by all the colours while thinking of appropriate hashtags to worry about you kneeling in the mud trying to get the perfect picture. That’s a you problem.

A charming log cabin

Your friends know you and your millennial girlfriend live in a cramped studio flat teeming with black mould. But thanks to a weekend away at an overpriced log cabin, she’ll be able to trick strangers on the internet into thinking she lives a charmed, idyllic life. All while ruining their mental health in the process.

Her parents’ house

You’ll be going to her parents’ house at some point during autumn. It’s inevitable. Maybe her mum made an apple pie or her sister’s visiting for the weekend, meaning you have to pop round by law. There’s no point trying to fight it. Aim and take photos on autopilot as you have done for years. Soon be over.

Halloween party

Of course you won’t actually be going to a Halloween party. No, this is all a clever ruse so your millennial girlfriend can dress up as a sexy witch and get away with sharing the pictures on her Stories. Instead of bobbing for apples, your evening will be spent at home, waiting for the reactions to come dribbling in.

Down the pub

She’s not put on her fanciest cable knit jumper for you, you idiot. You’re supposed to photograph that shit in the pub next to a roast dinner and a candle because she says that screams ‘hygge vibe goals’, whatever the f**k they are. Somehow, you suspect Taylor Swift is to blame for this bullshit.

Wherever she’s dragged you to on a weekend hike

Weekends are not for resting when autumn rolls around. Instead, you’ll be woken up at the crack of dawn and dragged on a schlep up a rain-lashed hill. Not for the benefits of exercise, but because your millennial girlfriend needs to shake up her content. She only ever does anything for the content.

Forest again

Your previous forest photography efforts were not acceptable. So here you are again, trying to capture the magic of autumn and her expensive new wool coat. It’s your own time you’re wasting if you f**k this up again. She could do this all day, and she would love it.

Everywhere f**king else

Autumn is a time of endless opportunity when it comes to shameless, self-aggrandising photographs. You’re better off just photographing your millennial girlfriend at regular 30-second intervals then letting her sift through the slush pile. Otherwise you might miss her sprinkling cinnamon on some porridge or putting on a scarf. And the internet couldn’t cope without that.

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Liverpool invade pitch at Luton vs Spurs and begin replay

JURGEN Klopp’s Liverpool team have arrived at Kenilworth Road, leapt onto the pitch and begun playing their replay against Spurs.

Liverpool requested a replay after a crucial goal was wrongly disallowed during their home game against Tottenham last Saturday, and rather than wait for the FA to respond have taken matters into their own hands.

Luton manager Rob Edwards said: “Suddenly there were extra players all over the pitch, but as I opened my mouth to shout I felt Klopp’s hand on my shoulder.

“‘This is our match now,’ he said forebodingly as Jota dispossessed Nakamba and banged one into the Spurs net. ‘The time is ours. The result is ours. You may play them when we’ve finished.’

“I said that was not fair and he said, ‘Was it fair Diaz was denied a goal by human error? Was it fair Jota was dismissed for being in slow-motion? Was it fair that Liverpool, the great Liverpool, were denied a victory in keeping with their history?’

“It was chaos on the pitch. Liverpool scored one, we scored one, Spurs just couldn’t soak up the pressure and catch the 22 men on the break. In the end the combined teams won 6-0 and we’ve agreed to divide that into 3-0 each.”

Defeated Tottenham manager Ange Postecoglou said: “You think that’s over, bitches? Wait until your game at Brighton tomorrow.”