Quiz: Do you live to work, work to live, or just half-arse both?

THE work-life balance is the key issue of our age, but is it possible to get through without really putting the effort into either? Take our quiz: 

How many hours do you work per day?

A) As many as it takes to get the job done

B) I’m gone the minute they stop paying me. Nobody ever died wishing they’d spent more time in the office

C) Sometimes I’m at my desk late, but it’s only to avoid the kids and spend another hours pissing about on Twitter, Instagram and my Fantasy Football team

What are your career goals?

A) Make it to the top of my field and change the world

B) Retire at 45 and explore the world

C) Keep earning enough to afford rent, weed and Uber Eats

How is your work-life balance?

A) My work is my life

B) Living well is my life

C) Netflix is my life

What would you do if you won the lottery?

A) Set up my own company

B) Set up my own eco-community

C) Set ‘em up, bartender! The drinks are on me!

How would you feel if a robot took over your job?

A) This is progress! By working together we can maximise our productivity

B) This is progress! I’ll be on the beach in Bali, meditating

C) This is progress, I guess. Can I get another one to do all my weekend shit?


Mostly As: You put in the hours and get shit done. At some point, the question ‘Why?’ will arrive in your mind and stay there.

Mostly Bs: There’s more to life than work but perhaps not as much as you imagine, which you discover when the next restructure makes you redundant.

Mostly Cs: While not exactly setting the world alight with your career, nor have you got anything better to do at home. You’re half-arsing your whole life, but it’s not like you’re bothered.

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'Sound of the summer' is bastard neighbour's hedge trimmer

BRITAIN’S neighbours intend to trim their hedges relentlessly until Autumn, they have announced.

Annoying neighbours say the only sound people will be hearing for the entire summer is the loud grinding of trimmer blades as they obsessively hack away at hedges and shrubs.

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “I’ll be going at it like a madman all day, every day, all summer. You’d think I’d run out of things to trim, but I fucking won’t.

“The ‘sound of the summer’ won’t be some catchy, mellow pop hit, it’s going to be the shriek of my trimmer cutting through the peaceful summer air every time you want to sit in the garden and chill out.”

Homeowner Norman Steele said: “I’ve just invested in a particularly powerful Bosch. This bad boy will drown out every radio for 300 yards and you’ll have to close your windows even if it’s sweltering.

“Rest assured I’ll be doing weird things like starting at 7am on Saturdays for some reason. If I run out of hedges I’ll start on the flowers and trees. Then the dog’s getting a haircut.

“I’m not even sure why I’m doing it. I suppose it must just be the enormous sexual thrill.”