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'Rather than buying and posting Christmas cards, we are spending the money on drugs'

THIS year, rather than spend money on the non-sustainable practice of sending Christmas cards, Annabelle and I have agreed to spend the money on drugs. 

We’re taking a stand because we believe it’s the right thing to do. Because we hope to change the way we think of Christmas. And because we want to get blitzed.

The tradition of sending Christmas cards comes from the Victorians. Isn’t it time to move on from cluttering our mantlepieces and other surfaces with wasteful cardboard, when we could be snorting fat lines from them instead?

And the cost adds up. A pack of 10 cards can cost £5 or more. Send out 30 and you’re laying out £35, and that’s for second class stamps. The same amount spent on MDMA would last a whole weekend.

Then there’s the tedium. An evening in the run-up to Christmas when everyone’s horribly busy spent writing identical messages to former acquaintances? No thanks. Wouldn’t it be more festive to be tripping your balls off in front of The Polar Express?

So this year we’re making a break with tradition. Instead of spending that money on depleting pine forests, we’re spending it on mushrooms. And we invite you to join us.

Let’s all come together and wish each other a Merry Christmas on Zoom, absolutely f**ked off our heads. And then again, two minutes later, because we don’t remember the first time.

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Do you live in a shitty new-build? Take our quiz

DO YOU live in a crappy little new-build house on an estate full of them? Find out with our quiz:

How close is the ceiling to your head? 

A) A good couple of feet away.
B) A mandatory four-and-a-half inches.

How many rooms do you have downstairs? 

A) Three – living room, dining room and kitchen.
B) Six – living room, dining room, kitchen, sun room, family room and utility room. Although the last three are all just names for one oddly-shaped room which isn’t even that big.

How identical to your house is the neighbours’ house? 

A) Well it’s a semi-detached, so they’re basically mirror images of each other, except they’ve got a conservatory and the previous owners of ours did a loft conversion.

B) It’s a different house to the neighbours, and their neighbours, and their neighbours. But the same five designs are repeated endlessly throughout our 280-house estate, so maybe not that different. I get lost sometimes.

How many bedrooms do you have? 

A) Four, but one of them’s only a box room really.
B) Five, but four of them are only box rooms really.

How many en-suite bathrooms do you have? 

A) Just the one, in the aforementioned loft conversion.
B) Four. One in the big bedroom and three making already tiny bedrooms small and L-shaped.

How big is your garden? 

A) It’s got about the same footprint as the house, so big enough.
B) Very small and triangular. But that hasn’t stopped us putting a trampoline in it, and a sandpit, and a summerhouse, and a garden sofa, and a barbecue area, and a hot tub.

How much parking space do you have? 

A) Room for one car on the drive and one on the pavement outside. That’s the problem with these older houses.
B) Absolutely shitloads. Room for four cars on the drive and another two on the road. Well that’s what’s important, isn’t it?

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations, you live in a house larger than a shoebox that doesn’t require a garage conversion and conservatory to be remotely liveable. Draughty though.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations, you live in a shitty little new-build on a shitty little new-build estate. But you wouldn’t want to move to an old house because you wouldn’t know who’s lived there before and it wouldn’t feel clean.

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