Starbucks unveil Christmas ham-flavoured frappuccino

AS part of their latest line of Christmas beverages, Starbucks have announced a coffee that mimics the taste of an entire roast ham.

Coming hot on the heels of other festive favourites such as eggnog latte, the coffee chain is confident people will want to force a disgusting drink down their throats simply because it is December.

Marketing director Sophie Rodriguez said: “The Christmas Hamuccino deliciously infuses our finest coffee with the rich, meaty taste of roasted pig flesh. And it’s all topped with sweet whipped cream, crackling dust and a drizzle of mustard syrup.

“It’s utterly vile but we’ve discovered that consumers will pay through the nose for anything if it contains a shitload of sugar and comes in a cup with a reindeer on it. Exploiting thick people with too much disposable income is an excellent business model, it turns out.”

Customer Jack Browne, who sampled the Christmas Hamuccino, said: “F**k me, that’s disgusting. It’s like someone threw up in a cup on Boxing Day.

“I’ll still spend a grand total of £139 on these over the course of the next month though. It is Christmas, after all.”


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I'm not a very good vegetarian, says woman who eats meat three times a day

A WOMAN who describes herself as ‘not a very good vegetarian’ eats meat at every meal without giving it a second thought.

Kelly Howard is aware that her vegetarian credentials are on shaky ground because she has been known to nibble on members of the animal kingdom multiple times in a day.

Howard said: “I know I could be doing more to be a better vegetarian. Not regularly feasting on pork, beef and chicken would probably be a good place to start.

“I’m well aware that a meat-free diet is cheaper, easy to adopt and better for my overall health, which is why I eat plenty of plant-based foods. I just can’t help but add a big hunk of delicious flesh to every dish.”

Drooling at the thought of rotisserie chicken, she added: “Until I kick the habit I’ll just keep telling people I’m a flexitarian. That’s basically an acceptable way of saying you eat a f**k load of meat and sometimes a potato, right?”

Partner Jack Browne said: “I don’t care whether Kelly eats meat or not, but if she becomes a vegan I’ll have to think very carefully about where our relationship is going.”