British TV streaming services ranked from 'shit' down to 'ITV Hub'

WE’RE living in a golden age of telly. Shame no one told these five British streamers. Here they are ranked from ‘bad’ to ‘dreadful’:

BBC iPlayer

People may want to defund them, but the BBC has the least shit streaming service in the UK. With its sleek design and relatively simple navigation, the iPlayer skirts agonisingly close to competence. Yes, typing in the search function is so slow it makes you despair if you’re looking for anything longer than DIY SOS, but at least there are no ads.

All 4

Speaking of which, if you want to see 12 ads for cheesy takeaway pizzas immediately before a graphic episode of One Born Every Minute, look no further. Laid out in an impossible-to-navigate, never-ending grid, All 4 is the streaming equivalent of a maze. It also brags about being ‘the UK’s biggest free streaming service’ but fails to mention that’s only because it contains more than a thousand episodes of Come Dine With Me.


This collaboration between the BBC and ITV makes for shitness squared and appeals only to the tiny Venn diagram crossover of weirdos who like both Footballers’ Wives and 80s-era Grange Hill. If you know someone who is convinced that British television was better when they were young, buy them a BritBox subscription and watch as their fanciful notions are crushed by nine series of Terry and June.


Ever heard of My5? Probably not, but if you want to watch an advert every time you press pause or particularly enjoy looking at a buffering symbol, this is the streaming service for you. It’s also the only place you can catch Bargain-Loving Brits in the Sun, should your life ever become so bleak that you think it’s a good idea.


At the very bottom of this sorry list is the woeful ITV Hub, which invites you to watch a solid 10 minutes of adverts just so you can access an episode of Doc Martin from 2006. It’s used only by ITV’s key demographic of retired gammons, and they already have every episode of Midsomer Murders on VHS anyway.

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Vibrator less emotionally distant than boyfriend

A WOMAN has realised that she has a deeper emotional bond with her vibrator than she does with her boyfriend.

When the smoke alarm in her flat went off during the night, Lucy Parry rushed to rescue her beloved Cervix Snake before thinking about the safety of her boyfriend Tom.

Parry said: “It shocked me that, thinking the house was on fire, my first instinct was to dive over to the sock drawer for Snakey and leave Tom to fend for himself.

“Look, he’s a great guy, except for when he’s playing FIFA, with his friends, or making conversation. But unfortunately, I haven’t developed the same bond with him as I have a piece of battery-operated rubber imported from Japan.

“I know that my vibrator is always by my side whenever I need it and it’s about as attentive a listener as Tom is. Plus, it can make me orgasm without muttering things like ‘Why is it taking so long?’, which is more than can be said for him.”

Embracing his girlfriend’s epiphany Tom Logan said: “If there was a way I could outsource even more of my responsibilities to it that’d be great. As soon as they develop a vibrator that can unload the dishwasher, I’ll be a happy man.”