Receipts at bottom of woman's handbag enough to wipe arse on for three years

A WOMAN is unconcerned about running out of loo roll because she has at least 3,000 crumpled receipts in her handbag.

Jo Kramer also has a stash of Costa napkins, shopping lists dating back to 2018 and three once-cute now coffee-stained notebooks she can use if it comes to it.

She said: “Toilet roll shortage? Should have thought ahead, like I did.

“I’ve been repurposing my receipt collection for years in inhospitable situations like the toilets in any gig venue, so this post-Andrex wasteland holds no fear for me.

“I find the Tesco ones particularly absorbent and I’ve used a classy receipt for a smoothie maker from from John Lewis three times now.

“I’ve also used pages of my office diary, old Starburst wrapper and a pre-packed tuna sandwich from a Shell garage, which performed far better for that than it did as a sandwich.”

Retail manager Wayne Hayes said: “This is the reason we still issue paper receipts. We want our customers to know that even in the face of disaster, we have literally got their arses covered.”

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Toddlers to retrain as paramedics

CHILDREN aged between two and 12 who are immune to the coronavirus are to train as frontline healthcare staff. 

The government has drafted in the youthful workforce to work in A&E, intensive care units and with ambulance teams because they cannot catch COVID-19 and the sheer cuteness of it will cheer everyone up.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “If a child can pin the tail onto a donkey, they can put a needle into a vein. Probably. It might take them a couple of goes.

“Kids love playing doctors and nurses, so imagine how exciting it will be for them to have a real live defibrillator. There’s been no objection from parents who are delighted to have them out of the way.”

Three-year-old Tom Logan said: “Look, I was very happy in my current position which mainly involved placing coloured shapes into corresponding holes and pulling the cat’s tail.

“However, if the nation needs us we’ll do what we can to help in return for stickers on our reward charts.

“We’ve been fast-tracked through the ambulance driving test with one steering and one doing the pedals. Once we’ ve co-ordinated on who goes at which end of the stretcher we’ll be good to go.”