Six songs Brits can sing to keep morale up while in self-isolation

WHILE the Italians lift each other’s spirits with opera, British people can only yowl along to Wonderwall with their neighbours. And these classics: 

Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

A terrible choice for two reasons: first because it recommends wilful igorance in the face of a pandemic, and second because everyone’s missing the irony. However, British people of a certain age love it because nothing good has happened to them since 1979.

Bohemian Rhapsody

Hard enough to listen to when sung by the highly talented Freddie Mercury, it’s intolerable  when bawled by a lonely, maudlin Brit after necking eight Carlsbergs. Plus it’s an ear-punishing six minutes long.

Land of Hope and Glory

The sort of patriotic anthem that gets a certain type salivating, Land of Hope and Glory tends to fall apart after the first line because not even the most rabid nationalist loves their country enough to actually learn the words.

Mr Brightside

Already bad enough when aggressively shouted into your face in a club when you’ve had one too many Jägerbombs, having Mr Brightside sung endlessly out of open windows will make this already dark time even harder to bear.

The Birdie Song

It’s deeply annoying, but many Brits still think the Birdie Song is fun because they had a good time dancing to it at a disco in a village hall in 1983. On the plus side it has a dance, which means a bit of respite from lying on the sofa watching Bargain Hunt for the next 12 weeks.

You’re Going To Get Your F**king Head Kicked In

By this point Britain’s exhausted its repertoire and fallen back on anything that stimulates the hypothalamus. To be followed by Who’s The Bastard In The Black and some 80s favourites about the IRA.

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Johnson promises to debag the coronavirus and throw it in the river Cam

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam. 

The prime minister announced at last night’s press conference that within the next 12 weeks he and the boys will take the ceremonial oar down from above the college fireplace and spank COVID-19’s bottom until it is bloody well pink.

He continued: “Oh yes, I know very well how to teach this bugger a lesson.

“We’ll get a couple of the rugby boys to rush it through, blindfold it, make it stand on one leg singing ‘I’m the silliest arse in Surrey’ then it’s trousers down, dick out, straight in the river while we all cheer.

“I’ve set a 12-week deadline for this, just about the end of Trinity term, and you all know I don’t set arbitrary deadlines and when I set them I meet them.

“We’ll all be guffawing by the dock in our tailcoats and bow-ties watching old Covid float down the river by June 20th. And that’s a promise.”

When reminded he actually went to Oxford, not Cambridge, Johnson said: “Yes, that’s how I know about this. They did it to me.”