Seven great Christmas presents for £0.00 from your neighbour's garden

WATCHING the pennies this Christmas? Here are some wonderful gifts you can get completely free by sneaking into your neighbour’s garden at 1am.

Solar fairies

Have you got young daughters? Pop on your gift-gathering balaclava and pick up some solar fairy ornaments from next door. Endless imaginative adventures await their new play figures in Fairyland. Sure, they come on a large lump of heavy resin, but little girls are always fighting with their brothers, and these have really got some heft.

A mower

The ideal gift for a husband, or a dad’s gift to himself. If, having broken into your neighbour’s shed with a crowbar, he’s only got a knackered old petrol mower, not a modern chargeable one that looks like the Battlestar Galactica, help yourself to his tools instead.


Women love being given a big bunch of roses. The only difference is these are waiting to grow on the rose bush you dug up next door. Yes, it needs replanting and nurturing by your partner, but think of it as a giant outdoor bonsai kit.

An inflatable snowman

Makes a great kickboxing toy for the kids, or give it to the whole family as a fun Christmas ornament. The only problem is disguising the fact that it’s identical to the one your neighbour had stolen from his front garden last night. Paint it green and claim it’s Shrek.

Sexy underwear

A neighbour might still put out underwear to dry if it’s sunny, and what wife or girlfriend wouldn’t be delighted with second hand knickers? Give it a miss if your neighbour is larger than your partner or they’ll think you’re trying to tell them something. And be extra careful not to get caught – being put on the sex offenders register isn’t very festive.

Mega-giant mobile

Make your little ones the envy of their friends with an enormous ‘mobile’ in their bedroom. Just half-inch your neighbours’ rotary dryer, stick some shit on it like pictures of the moon and flying unicorns printed off the internet, and give it a spin as they’re drifting off to sleep. When they grow out of mobiles, you can dry clothes on it.

A pet koi carp

This does hinge on having quite well-off neighbours with a koi pond. Be prepared to root around as the devious fishy bastards hibernate at the bottom in winter. Koi are obviously a lot bigger and more impressive than a goldfish, so you’ll need a very big tank. If you don’t want the expense of that, try fish for Christmas dinner instead of boring old turkey.

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Teenage boy bought new socks to wank into

THE thoughtful parents of a teenage boy have gifted him a brand new pair of socks to masturbate into this Christmas.

Tired of finding greying pairs of crusty semen-receptacles under their son Josh’s bed, Helen and Martin Bishop decided that if he must do it, he might as well do it in style.

Helen Bishop said: “They get harder to buy for as they get older, and it’s easier to get them practical things. He’d asked for a Playstation 5 but he doesn’t need one of those, whereas he does need socks that aren’t filled with several week’s worth of encrusted jizz.

“I’m also hoping he might take the hint and realise that Martin and I are the ones who periodically clear them out of his room and, while he’ll always be the apple of our eye, he’s also a disgusting little scrote and we can’t wait until he leaves home.”

Josh Bishop said: “Socks. Hmmm. I wonder if they’re making a point about me wanking? Nah, they don’t know I do it. Anyway, I like these. The premium wool-blend is fabulously soft and absorbent.”

He added: “Mum must have found a bargain because Dad got some exactly the same.”