IT’S the time of year when everything must be Christmas-themed, including sexual intercourse. Try these red-hot positions that will jingle your bells or whatever:
The woman sits astride the man in the same way as the cowgirl position, but holds her hands on each side to her head to form ‘antlers’. Incredibly erotic in itself, but can be taken to the next level with sexy reindeer talk such as ‘You’re a dirty Arctic ruminant!’ or ‘That’s so f**king festive, Prancer!’
The new Raleigh Chopper
The man straddles his prone partner then thrusts while imagining he’s riding the Raleigh Chopper he got for Christmas in 1978. From a male perspective life doesn’t get much better than this, although women may be reluctant to balance a three-speed gear stick between their shoulder blades because it’s weird.
The cuckold on the shelf
If you’re into watching your girlfriend have sex with another man, add a Yuletide twist by dressing as the Elf on the Shelf who you’ve always suspected was a creepy voyeur. Remain locked in position, grinning blankly, as the third party hammers away. Do not let tears fall down onto your bottle-green tunic and red-and-white striped tights.
Finding the broken bulb
Prolonged cunnilingus in which the man attempts to stimulate the clitoris as if fixing 1970s fairy lights, checking one bulb at a time with his tongue and swearing frequently. The lengthy period of trial and error should end unsuccessfully and be swiftly resolved by the woman locating the ‘dud bulb’ once he has gone off to get drunk.
Sexy Santa dress
Not strictly a sexual position, but a skimpy, low-cut red dress with white furry trim is a definite turn-on, until the man realises that in this scenario he’s boning Santa, an old man with a beard and a twinkle in his eye who never brought him the Tracy Island he wanted, and loses his erection.
The Hootenanny handjob
An increasingly popular sexual practice in which one partner wanks off the other to alleviate the boredom of Jools Holland’s musical extravaganza. Has an element of excitement missing from the show as you can’t be sure which guest you’ll climax during. Depending on gender and sexual orientation, Sophie Ellis-Bextor is more than fine; Paul Weller may leave psychological scars.
The trolley dash
The man enters the woman from behind in a standing position, then you attempt to run around the bedroom as if you’re at the January sales. Ideally you should orgasm simultaneously while holding designer clothing that will never fit and an 18in LED TV you felt obliged to buy because it was only £40.