Seven seasonal sex positions to get you into the Christmas spirit

IT’S the time of year when everything must be Christmas-themed, including sexual intercourse. Try these red-hot positions that will jingle your bells or whatever:

The reindeer

The woman sits astride the man in the same way as the cowgirl position, but holds her hands on each side to her head to form ‘antlers’. Incredibly erotic in itself, but can be taken to the next level with sexy reindeer talk such as ‘You’re a dirty Arctic ruminant!’ or ‘That’s so f**king festive, Prancer!’

The new Raleigh Chopper

The man straddles his prone partner then thrusts while imagining he’s riding the Raleigh Chopper he got for Christmas in 1978. From a male perspective life doesn’t get much better than this, although women may be reluctant to balance a three-speed gear stick between their shoulder blades because it’s weird.

The cuckold on the shelf

If you’re into watching your girlfriend have sex with another man, add a Yuletide twist by dressing as the Elf on the Shelf who you’ve always suspected was a creepy voyeur. Remain locked in position, grinning blankly, as the third party hammers away. Do not let tears fall down onto your bottle-green tunic and red-and-white striped tights.

Finding the broken bulb

Prolonged cunnilingus in which the man attempts to stimulate the clitoris as if fixing 1970s fairy lights, checking one bulb at a time with his tongue and swearing frequently. The lengthy period of trial and error should end unsuccessfully and be swiftly resolved by the woman locating the ‘dud bulb’ once he has gone off to get drunk.

Sexy Santa dress

Not strictly a sexual position, but a skimpy, low-cut red dress with white furry trim is a definite turn-on, until the man realises that in this scenario he’s boning Santa, an old man with a beard and a twinkle in his eye who never brought him the Tracy Island he wanted, and loses his erection.

The Hootenanny handjob

An increasingly popular sexual practice in which one partner wanks off the other to alleviate the boredom of Jools Holland’s musical extravaganza. Has an element of excitement missing from the show as you can’t be sure which guest you’ll climax during. Depending on gender and sexual orientation, Sophie Ellis-Bextor is more than fine; Paul Weller may leave psychological scars.

The trolley dash

The man enters the woman from behind in a standing position, then you attempt to run around the bedroom as if you’re at the January sales. Ideally you should orgasm simultaneously while holding designer clothing that will never fit and an 18in LED TV you felt obliged to buy because it was only £40.

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Henry Cavill cast as series seven fine sable-hair brush in Warhammer TV series

SUPERMAN actor Henry Cavill has been cast as a series seven fine sable-hair paint brush in Amazon’s upcoming Warhammer series.

Cavill insisted on the role, believing it key to the whole Warhammer universe due to its absolute necessity when picking out individual rivets on a Primaris Repulsor Executioner.

The lifelong fan of tabletop wargaming and executive producer of the series said: “This is what my whole career has been building to. Playing The Brush was always my dream.

“Certainly there are character in the Warhammer universe, they’re not just little models covered in spikes specifically designed to excite the adolescent male brain, but The Brush rules o’er all of them. Without the brush, they’re nothing but grey.

“I don’t want to spoil anything, but viewers can expect to see my character face off against hordes of Tyranids and the terrifying legions of Horus’s Chaos Space Marines, carefully painting their armour then going in for an ink wash. The audience will be gripped.

“I’ll be joined by Chris Pratt who plays a loose cannon pot of Abaddon Black, and Scarlett Johansson as a shapely Da Vinci Series 10 brush with a rounded tip, perfect for drybrushing. Can we work together as a team? Wait and see.”

Martin Bishop said: “Cavill is genius casting. Because woman fancy him so they’ll get into Warhammer, where I’ll chat them up by telling them everything they’re doing wrong.”