DESPITE the song’s claims, Christmas isn’t the most wonderful time of the year. It barely scrapes into the top ten. These occasions are far more wonderful:
For a weekend you’re rich. Buying pints for strangers, throwing lavish parties with crisps in bowls, eating at the best restaurants available like Nando’s and Pizza Express. Then your various direct debits come out and you’re back to haunting the Whoops! aisle like a malnourished ghost. But for those two days you lived like a king.
When your car passes its MOT
The driver’s door doesn’t open when its cold. The windscreen washers haven’t squirted since June, 2018. The weird squeaking sound is still there, and it doesn’t like to corner at above 30mph. Your car is f**ked, but miraculously the garage calls mid-morning and it’s passed! You can squeeze another year out of it! Hallelujah!
When your kid’s on a sleepover
Not at your house. That’s an evening of Netflix on your phone on the toilet. But when your kids are at some other luckless knobhead’s you’ve got a stress-free evening for you and your partner to spend quality time together. To talk, to rediscover the magic of your relationship, to make love. Or at least to stay up past midnight.
The two days off at Easter are far superior to the two days off at Christmas. You can’t go the pub at lunchtime on Christmas Day for ten hours without annoying repercussions like children crying and divorce, but Good Friday has no such restrictions. You only have to buy eggs. You don’t have to see family. EastEnders doesn’t kill anyone. It’s great.
When it’s not winter
Any day when it’s not winter is better than any day when it is. You can get up in daylight. You don’t wince when your feet touch the kitchen floor. You don’t have to wrestle into three layers to defrost the car. One day, Christmas long behind you, you’ll realise you’re outside in a T-shirt, flowers are blooming and soon you’ll be bitching about how sodding hot it is.