Seven unexpected things guaranteed to put you off wanking

LIFE is hard, but you can always rely on a wank. Or can you? These deeply unerotic intrusions will bring an end to solitary sex quicker than you can type ‘weird hentai porn’.

A porn actor resembling a relative

You’re innocently browsing filth when up pops a porn actress who looks uncannily like your Auntie Claire. Younger and with better make-up, but the spitting image of your close blood relative. You realise it’s just a coincidence caused by humans looking similar, but have to abandon your wank until you’ve stopped feeling like a Caligula-style incestuous pervert.

A traumatic encounter with Rule 34

The humorous Rule 34 states that if something exists or can be imagined, there’s internet porn of it. You’re sceptical – until you stumble on ‘furry piss-drinking videos’. Wondering what you’ve become, you vow never to look at internet porn again, which goes really well for all of 20 hours. 

Your neighbours having sex

There’s nothing better for your self-esteem than the people in the flat above having an active, noisy love life while you look at tatty porn sites. You’re even starting to think they’re pacing themselves just to draw out the agony for you. Oddly, it wouldn’t be so bad if they were hideous overweight orcs, but they’re not, the normal-looking bastards. Clearly it’s time to either get back on Tinder or move flat, whichever is less of a miserable, time-consuming hassle.

A power cut

Your phone’s out of charge, your router won’t work, and thanks to the death of print publishing you don’t have any old copies of FHM kicking around. A search quickly reveals there isn’t even any desperation-level erotica in your home – no Littlewoods catalogues, not even a copy of Cosmopolitan, a magazine probably more read by boyfriends for the beautiful swimwear models than actual women. Finally you give up and go to bed in the dark, strangely annoyed that the government has no civil emergency planning in place for a wanking material shortage.

Utterly random work thoughts

You finished work six hours ago but your masturbation activities are suddenly brought to a halt by worrying about some really overdue invoices Lisa dumped on you. You’re actually quite annoyed about the intrusion on your personal life, but you’ve got a feeling no employment tribunal is going to compensate you for lost wanking time, whatever the Daily Mail might claim.

Bad mental associations 

You’ve consulted your memory banks for a particularly good shag with an ex and all is going well. Then you remember their cat. Bella was sooo cute and fluffy. You used to give her tuna as a treat. Then she got cat cancer. You had to take her to the vet for the lethal injection. She’s a pile of ashes in a little urn now. You’re not sure what’s weirder, a quick wank turning into a depressing meditation on the inevitability of death or it feeling disrespectful to an incinerated cat. 

A sudden change in porn theme 

You may have noticed porn sites don’t have the highest professional ethical standards. Just one click can bounce you from something not much more explicit than Love Island to the realms of extreme dodginess, eg. scary BDSM or worryingly young-looking models. There’s nothing like paranoid thoughts of being sent to nonce prison to make you seriously consider a more wholesome hobby like 5,000-piece jigsaws.

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Harry and Meghan in last-ditch attempt to save Spotify deal with album of power ballads

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex have tried to save their $20 million Spotify deal with an album of yearning power ballads.

Spotify threatened to drop the couple after nobody listened to the Archewell podcast, because why would they, but Meghan and Harry believe Throne of Your Heart can turn it around.

A Montecito insider said: “Harry wears a red bandana now. Meghan’s hair is huge.

“He’s kicking out hot riffs on a Gibson Flying V, she’s wailing on the mic, it’s uplifting, affirming and adult-oriented. This could dominate the summer like Bryan Adams caught in steamy, sax-solo back alley sex with Wet Wet Wet.

“Themes include love, eternal love, love that is more special than your love, what utter f**kheads the British press are and driving down coastal roads in a convertible, so it’s the relatability their audience demands.

“They’re promoting it with a 110-date world tour, which let’s face it will sell out like his bloody book did, followed by a debilitating cocaine addiction they can sell to Oprah.”