Sex outdoors: how to finish when you wish you hadn't started

THE summer’s here, clothes are skimpy, nobody’s around, you’ve initiated sex and wish you hadn’t. Here’s how to finish.

Take fright

No stimulus needed: simply shrink back from your partner and hiss ‘It’s watching us’ to instantly reduce his erection to nothing while you fumble your clothes back on. It could be anything from a farmer to an owl to the neighbour’s kid but it’s an excuse to stop. Claim you’ll resume later.

Hurry up (male)

As a man, you know you can finish sex any time you like. The power’s yours. It always has been. Simply touch base with your most enduring sexual fantasy, dwell on it, and there you are, you’ve reached climax. Zip up and promise your partner you’ll sort her out when you get home.

Hurry up (female)

As a woman, you can make him orgasm whenever you want to. The power’s yours. It always has been. Just do the moves you normally save to the end immediately, let him have his little ejaculation, then briskly zip up and go. If he’s made a mess on himself that’s his problem.

Shout

There’s nothing better than loud noise while outside to attract unwanted attention, so be very vocal about your rocketing desire then flip to panic the moment the upstairs light goes on in a hitherto unseen house.

Get a twig up your arse

There’s nothing like a startling cry of pain in the throes of lovemaking, followed by an urgent need for wood extraction from the anal area, followed by ‘Don’t just f**king yank it. Well if you can’t see put your phone torch on’ to ruin the romance.

Whisper ‘We don’t have to do this. We’re not teenagers. We have a comfortable bed’

Nothing heightens lovemaking like whispering sweet nothings into your paramour’s ear, and nothing arouses the senses more than realising that you could just go home and f**k in a double bed with clean sheets. You won’t, though, you’ll watch Love Island instead.

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Man down to two acceptable conversation topics with father-in-law

A MAN has seen the already limited areas of small talk he can engage his father-in-law in whittled down to just two, it has emerged.

After visiting for the weekend and making some controversial missteps, Nathan Muir has reduced five solid areas of chat down to just ‘the price of petrol’ and ‘cutting the grass’.

Muir said: “We’re here until Sunday night and we’ve already covered those, so now I’m just trying to avoid the grumpy old bastard until he goes out to play bowls with his equally grumpy old mates.

“We normally manage quite well chatting about cars and politics, but I made a few errors when we arrived this morning. Specifically, making a mild joke about Boris Johnson being trounced in the by-elections, and arriving in our new Citroën, which is apparently a ‘box of French shite’.

“These have joined the list of other topics we can no longer speak about which include football, religion, money, the Falklands, immigration, whether you need to call a gas engineer to fix a boiler, golf, The Two Ronnies and gender.”

Father-in-law Roy Hobbs said: “Tom’s actually a pretty knowledgeable and interesting man. I’m just pissed off he’s boning my only daughter.”