Shithole flat cleverly disguised by string lights

A CRAP flat now looks delightful due to some clever string light placement, it has been confirmed.

First-time renter, 22-year-old Tom Logan, put up the set of colourful mini lanterns in anticipation of his parents’ imminent visit.

He said: “I strategically hung the lights so that they obscured the damp on the wall and covered up what I hope is a ketchup stain on the brickwork.

“Turns out the hole those ants keep crawling out of was actually the perfect place to hook the end of the lights onto. It’s a ‘life hack’.”

He added: “It also gives me a great excuse to dim the big light, so my folks can’t tell I’m using cardboard boxes as a bookcase.

“Essentially, I want the lights to say: ‘I’m not a total screw up, but it’d also be great if you chucked me fifty quid.’”

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Vow to not give toddler iPad lasts 78 seconds

TWO idealistic parents have reneged on their pledge to raise their child without screens after 78 seconds of spirited resistance.

Emma and Tom Bradford had told friends and family at length they intended for 18-month-old Ethan to grow up free from the shackles of modern technology, before realising that was utter nonsense.

Emma said: “Childhood is being stolen by glowing screens. Children need interaction with people who love them, not electronic babysitters. But we’d only had two hours’ sleep.

“So we’ve decided to compromise by allowing Ethan screen time only when we really, really need him to shut up. Which is all the time.

“It’s educational anyway, that Candy Crush. And Mummy Pig is a better mother than I’ll ever be.”