Monday, 3rd August 2020

'Should I join TikTok?' and four other quarantine red flags

IN these difficult locked down times, it’s important to make sure you haven’t completely lost your mind without even realising it. Here are some of the biggest warning signs to watch out for.

Peanut butter straight from the jar

Going at the jar with a spoon is worryingly slovenly, but using your fingers is definitely a semi-feral cry for help. You’re better than this. Maybe try it on a slice of your 23rd loaf of banana bread instead?

Excessively elaborate meals

At the other end of the spectrum, if you’re spending six hours every day rustling up five-course Michelin-starred dishes for one whilst pretending to host your own cookery show, you are going mad. Put a frozen pizza in the oven and have a nice lie down.

Cocktail hour creep

Maybe these trying times mean your evening G&T can acceptably sneak back to 4pm but if you’re hitting the sauce in the presence of Phil and Holly or the BBC Breakfast team, it’s time to step away from the bottle and put the kettle on instead. And no, a ‘vodka tea’ is not acceptable.

The question ‘Should I join TikTok?’

Because the answer, for everyone’s sake, is clearly no.

Thriving 

By far the most worrying of the red flags. If you’re achieving your lockdown language goals, staying fit and healthy, and making the most of this opportunity to pause, reflect and upskill, you may well be a sociopath. And you can definitely f**k right off.