'Should I join TikTok?' and four other quarantine red flags

IN these difficult locked down times, it’s important to make sure you haven’t completely lost your mind without even realising it. Here are some of the biggest warning signs to watch out for.

Peanut butter straight from the jar

Going at the jar with a spoon is worryingly slovenly, but using your fingers is definitely a semi-feral cry for help. You’re better than this. Maybe try it on a slice of your 23rd loaf of banana bread instead?

Excessively elaborate meals

At the other end of the spectrum, if you’re spending six hours every day rustling up five-course Michelin-starred dishes for one whilst pretending to host your own cookery show, you are going mad. Put a frozen pizza in the oven and have a nice lie down.

Cocktail hour creep

Maybe these trying times mean your evening G&T can acceptably sneak back to 4pm but if you’re hitting the sauce in the presence of Phil and Holly or the BBC Breakfast team, it’s time to step away from the bottle and put the kettle on instead. And no, a ‘vodka tea’ is not acceptable.

The question ‘Should I join TikTok?’

Because the answer, for everyone’s sake, is clearly no.


By far the most worrying of the red flags. If you’re achieving your lockdown language goals, staying fit and healthy, and making the most of this opportunity to pause, reflect and upskill, you may well be a sociopath. And you can definitely f**k right off.

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Are you horny because it's springtime or because you've been trapped at home for weeks?

EVERYBODY feels horny at the moment, but is it due to the sap rising and buds swelling or just because you haven’t had a shag for weeks on end?

What turns you on at the moment?

A) There’s just something about the warm air and the blossom in the trees. Though possibly all the porn I’ve been watching is contributing.

B) Literally anything and everything. Can I have sex with this table or would that be weird?

What season do you usually find most arousing?

A) Definitely spring, with its imagery of new beginnings, birds and bees and all of nature at it like rabbits.

B) I couldn’t care less what day, week, month or year it is. It could be pouring with icy rain in November and I’d still want to shag everything.

Does the warmer weather make you feel like taking your clothes off?

A) That’s probably got something to do with it. Speaking of which, I should probably wash these pants I’ve been wearing for six solid weeks.

B) Everything makes me want to take my clothes off, even the BBC News theme tune. Maybe I need help.

How are you expressing your springtime sexual desires?

A) Going on video dates, which usually ends up like watching amateur porn with particularly low production values but does the job.

B) I’ve developed a passionate sexual attraction to almost every item of furniture in my house.

Mostly As: It seems springtime is making you lustful, but that’s perfectly natural.

Mostly Bs: The lockdown is turning you into a pervert. Don’t f**k the table. There are only a few weeks to go and you’ll still have to use it afterwards.