Should you take your boyfriend on holiday with you? The pros and cons

BOYFRIENDS think you’re going on holiday together just because you’re in a ‘serious relationship’. How presumptuous. Let’s look at the pros and cons of leaving them at home.

Pro: No one blathering on while you’re quietly waiting for your plane and dreaming of sunny beaches.

Con: Jesus, the flight’s delayed and you’ll be here for another five f**king hours. Even your boyfriend’s futile attempts to convince you there’s ‘a lot more to Warhammer than playing with little plastic figures’ would kill some time.

Pro: No one to share ‘interesting’ aviation facts with you on the plane, eg. ‘In a crash you’re more likely to die from blunt trauma injuries than burn to death.’

Con: You still remember him telling you water is like solid concrete if you hit it at the velocity of a jet airliner, and need someone to babble in terror at.

Pro: No arguments about where to eat this evening.

Con: You realise you actually thrive on arguments. That’s why you’re such a demanding cow. God, it’s all so clear now. And while you’re coping with confusing money and a foreign language, your boyfriend is lazing around at home eating crisps and watching football. There’ll be words about this when you get back.

Pro: Your holiday apartment is neat and tidy, and will remain that way.

Con: Your flat is going to be a f**king sty.

Pro: You can visit an impressive Spanish cathedral without your boyfriend grudgingly tagging along, obviously bored.

Con: No one’s making inane comments like ‘So what bit does God live in?’ or ‘It’s very Moorish’, which is actually more interesting than learning that the Andalusian style of architecture was popular between 1238 and 1492.

Pro: You can flirt with other holidaymakers.

Con: You’re not actually going to sleep with them so it’s a bit of a waste of time, and their chat-up lines are worse than anything your boyfriend ever says. Some twat from Yorkshire has actually just said to you: ‘We’re here for the knobbing, love!’ Well, that’s your heart stolen away.

Pro: Total freedom to do exactly as you choose at any time of the day. 

Con: No one to carry a heavy 2l bottle of water while you do it.

Pro: Immersing yourself in culture by visiting an art gallery rather than a grotty amusement arcade that could be in Rhyl because your boyfriend’s found a ‘really amazing’ tank game.

Con: To be honest you don’t really understand the art, especially the modern stuff. At least the amusement arcade is next to a bar.

Pro: You’re not ruining your relationship by having endless petty arguments due to the culture shock of spending 24 hours a day together.

Con: At home you can spread the arguments out over years, even a lifetime, of festering anger and resentment.

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What to do if you're the only person in the audience at an Edinburgh Fringe show

THOUGHT you’d check out an exciting new comedian or play at Edinburgh, only to discover you’re the only person there? Here’s how to cope with the embarrassment.

Attempt to leave

The likelihood of this succeeding depends on when you arrive for the gig. If you’re ten minutes early you’ll settle in happily, thinking the rest of the audience is about to appear, and the horror will only dawn on you slowly. However, if you turn up one minute before showtime to find an empty venue, you may still be able to leg it back out the door.

Try to sit as far away as possible

Unfortunately, due to the steward being overzealous and also having no other audience to usher, they are way ahead of you and the door has been firmly shut, so you have no choice but to stay. You try to hide yourself away in the furthest reaches of the back row, but the steward insists that the seats are filled from the front. That means that when the comedian or actors bound on stage you can see the whites of their eyes and the mortification on their faces.

Smile encouragingly

Okay, so you’re going to have to suffer through the entirety of this 55-minute set by a comedian who is probably shit. Given that you’ll have to maintain eye contact with the performer for every single second of it, because it would be even weirder if you looked elsewhere, you need to arrange your features into a suitably encouraging expression. Well, you’re aiming for encouraging, but from their perspective it could be anything from constipated to murderous.

Don’t break the fourth wall

Given that it’s just you and a tiny, pretentious theatre troupe in the room and you’re desperate to escape due to the immense pressure on you to pay attention and enjoy it, there’s a massive temptation to say ‘Honestly, guys, you don’t have to do this’. However, if you break their flow they will almost certainly start crying about what a terrible Fringe they’re having, which will be even more mortifying. Let them continue, even though you’re cringing so hard your colon is about to come out of your mouth.

Overcompensate at the end

When the show finally ends, it falls upon you to make enough noise to make up for the other 99 people who should also have been there, the f**king cowards. You clap and whoop excessively while the performer or performers take a bow and visibly die on the inside. You can’t help your solitary clapping sounding sarcastic, but eventually your they tell you to stop taking the piss and f**k off, which you gladly do, while vowing to never support up-and-coming artists ever again.