Sexist deeply offended after being called a misogynist

A TRADITIONAL sexist was left feeling hurt after being branded a woman-hating misogynist.

Martin Bishop of Leeds enjoys leering, wolf-whistling and breast-and-arse-related ‘banter’, so was mortified when someone suggested he had a problem with the opposite sex.

Bishop said: “I see myself very much as a ‘Jack the lad’ figure. I love talking about women’s bodies and cracking jokes about how they belong in the kitchen. You know – traditional, wholesome sexism.

“But the other day I was hitting on some tart in a club and she had the nerve to call me a ‘misogynistic pig’ – just because I said she had a lovely arse and asked if she fancied a shag. Some women just can’t take a compliment.

“I said, ‘Listen darling, I love birds, I don’t hate them. My mum’s one for Christ’s sake.’ Then she chucked her drink in my face and walked off, but I’m pretty sure she was just playing hard to get.”

Bishop’s best friend, Nathan Muir, defended his mate’s friendly antagonism towards the opposite sex.

He said: “Martin may say the odd horrendous thing from time to time, but he doesn’t hate women. He loves them. That’s why he spends his time trying to have sex with as many as possible, often without telling the other ones.

“He might come across as sexist, patronising, unfunny, boring and obnoxious, but once you get to know him you realise deep down he’s just a twat.”

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The Telegraph guide to reaching net zero wokeness by 2030

MANKIND faces its greatest crisis ever – cultural climate change, or ‘wokeness’, which threatens to destroy civilisation as we know it. Here’s what we must do to avert catastrophe.

Cut virtuous emissions from universities

The atmosphere is being polluted by these factories of political correctness. Men of the people like Nigel Farage, Graham Linehan and Daniel Hannan are being stifled. Rupert Murdoch, like Captain Tom, is making a valiant effort but we can’t rely on one brave old man. There’s only one solution – bulldoze all universities except the posh ones Daily Telegraph writers’ children go to.

Stop eating plant-based products

The vegan cult is seeing us burning through plants at an unprecedented rate. This could result in shortages at garden centres and a terrible ‘greenhouse effect’ of our retired readers running out of tomato plants to grow. For Heaven’s sake, eat meat. Every generation wants to leave its mark and ours will be our mighty carbon footprint.

Ban cycling

If God had intended us to cycle everywhere like a bunch of bloody spinsters, he wouldn’t have put fossil fuels in the ground. These lycra menaces need to be squashed like hedgehogs by our readers in their cars. We might start doing free stickers for every confirmed kill, so you can relive the halcyon days of the Battle of Britain in your Audi.

Ban recycling

The bearded Marxists in their tofu sandals want our kitchens to be gulags where we endlessly wash out yoghurt pots. This has to stop. Also it contains the word ‘cycling’. They can’t fool us with their leftie brainwashing, which sounds unhinged but the borderline-Nazi lunatics in the comments section will wholeheartedly agree.

Get rid of this ULEZ nonsense

More mind games, this time signs saying ‘ULEZ’ everywhere. There’s a subliminal message: ‘You, lesbian’. It’s nothing to do with pollution, it’s an attempt to pervert the flower of English womanhood by enticing them toward alternative Sapphic lifestyles. As any ageing. red-blooded male who’s tried chatting up much younger women with witty comments like ‘You don’t get many of them to the pound!’ will attest, a lot of them are lesbians these days.