Single man changing duvet cover trying to remember how he did it this time last year

A BACHELOR replacing his duvet cover with a clean one is facing his annual battle to remember how the f**k it is done.

Tom Logan last changed his bed linen before lockdown and was forced to do it again when the smell became unbearable, resulting in a tussle that lasted several hours.

Logan said: “We can send a rover to Mars but when it comes to making a duvet cover a lazy single man can put on, we’re in the Stone Age.

“I found myself crawling on my belly across the bed like Andy McNab on a mission in occupied territory holding two cover corners in search of two corners of duvet. Could I find them? Of course not.

“Then I tried just stuffing the duvet in but that just resulted in a big lump that somehow could not be flattened out.” 

Logan has currently settled for the compromise of sleeping under the bare duvet with the cover on top. 

He added: “Don’t think I’m giving up. That duvet is my obsession, my Moby Dick. I’ll make it fit somehow. So I’ve phoned my sister and she’s coming over to do it. First time I’ll have seen her in a year.”

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The devious Scottish ploy to give nurses a four per cent pay rise: how it works

GIVING NHS nurses a decent pay rise is the latest in Scotland’s long line of nefarious plans. Here’s how the diabolical scheme will play out.

Blatant bribery

Scottish nurses will be tempted with a blatant bribe in the form of a reasonable pay packet. They will be grossly insulted because if they’re anything like NHS staff in England they’re not in it for the money and the occasional round of applause is all they need. That’s why Boris Johnson’s proposed one per cent pay rise went down so well.

Nurses will have too much disposable income

Even so, nurses will accept the bribe. Scottish nurses will be corrupted by their new-found wealth and start splashing out on luxuries such as cars and food. And what have they done to deserve their riches except save lives? Everyone knows that generous salaries should go to the real heroes of the pandemic – government ministers and their chums.

England’s NHS will be wrecked – which is what the Scots want

Before you know it there will be a gold rush of nurses fleeing to Scotland for a better quality of life. England will be forced to retrain whoever is available, and with EU migrants leaving, next time you go into hospital expect to be looked after by a self-service checkout.

It will win Sturgeon votes

Treating valuable members of the community well is all part of Nicola Sturgeon’s Machiavellian plan to win votes. This is a cynical move you would never expect from Downing Street, which would never fritter cash on things that are not absolutely necessary.

Scotland will become independent

Independence is the endgame of everything Scotland does. Newly-rich NHS workers will vote for Scottish independence and break up the union. But then Scotland will go bankrupt because it’s economic madness to give nurses a modest pay rise. Serves them right.