Rishi Sunak's incredibly strong reasons why you want to go back to the office

RISHI here, the Robin to Boris’s Batman. And I’m battling on behalf of you, the workers desperate to go back to the office. Here’s why: 

You need that company culture

How can you be part of a company’s rich, thriving culture, like a yoghurt forgotten in a bag, when you’re only Zooming in? You need to be there, boots on the ground, to see your boss leaving at 3.30pm every Friday, or to sign that leaving card for Sienna who got made redundant and had her tasks given to you for no extra money. There’s no substitute.

You could quit

If you get used to the relative comfort of working from home without a three-hour commute costing £180 per week, you might lose your taste for the office grind altogether. Before you know it you’ll be quitting your job for something more fulfilling, and who’s going to pay the train company for your rip-off season ticket then?

You need to riff

God, I miss the riffing. You know? The business riffing that makes the office environment so thrilling? When two people pass in a corridor, suddenly feel that chemistry and start riffing, and within minutes they’ve come up with a bold new B2B marketing concept? You don’t know that? I pity you. 

You need to team-build

A good team is like a family, only better because it’s more economically productive. Admit it, your life has been empty since you stopped hearing about Marie’s husband’s back problems, Sarah’s dachshund’s ear infection, why Rob can’t make the tea and the refund Kev’s struggling to get from eBay. That’s where success is built. 

You need to support Conservative donors who own London office buildings

And just as important as your immediate team is the wider team; the team of developers, landlords and extortionate coffee chains who work invisibly to make your office possible. Never asking for thanks or acknowledgement, just your rent and the daily £4.85 for your venti latte. You need to show them you care. And stop them hassling me on the phone daily.

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Ronald McDonald and four other creepy as shit mascots

COMPANIES seem to think that weird, disturbing mascots will make you buy their products, and sadly they may be right. Here are some we’d prefer they hadn’t come up with, though.

Ronald McDonald

There’s nothing more likely to make people crave an underwhelming burger and chips than a garish clown resembling Mick Hucknall in striped tights, right? Surely the only reason for inventing this horror film character was to scare children into stress-eating burgers.

The meerkats

A brilliantly whimsical and postmodern concept to flog an insurance price comparison website, or just a very shit pun? Who cares – despite the detailed fictional universe of Sergei et al, they still look like manky, possibly diseased, vermin. If you found one in your kitchen you’d call Rentokil.

The Jolly Green Giant

A massive green mutant who wears tunics made of leaves seems more like a Marvel character than the creation of a company trying to sell you tinned corn. Perhaps his most horrifying feature though is how dangerously short his loin cloth is. Imagine his jolly green giant penis.

Andrex Puppy

While the Andrex Puppy was cute, the ad had a sinister subtext. As they were trying to sell toilet paper by implying it was as soft as a puppy’s fur, it became impossible to shake the idea that somebody had at some point wiped themselves using the puppy to test this. Especially after someone had exactly that thought and did a TV sketch about it. 

Honey Monster

It beggars belief that a cereal company thought the best way to market their product was by using a sort of ripped Furby with a substance dependence on honey. Their ads typically feature the Honey Monster behaving like a junkie trying to score his next bowl of cereal, so maybe there are un-broadcast ones showing him shoplifting to get his next fix, or worse.