YOU’RE trying to have a nice relaxed time in a cafe, or maybe do something constructive. Which bastards plan to ruin the experience for you today?
The f**kwit on FaceTime
Brace yourself, you’re going to be treated to a retiree trying to catch up with his daughter while scoffing a panini. It’s lovely to see him spitting pesto and mozzarella on his screen as he shouts to make himself heard. Does have headphones? Of course he f**king doesn’t. He’s generously letting you hear her side of the call too.
The knobhead who sits at the table right next to you
There are loads of empty tables, but this person has chosen to sit right next to you. Why not just sit on my lap, arsehole? If you think he’s bad, wait until he’s joined by a tableful of noisy mates, who start asking one by one if you’re ‘using that chair?’
The lovey dovey couple
When you’re settling down for your usual day of bile and cynicism, scrolling through Twitter for things to get angry about, there’s nothing worse than seeing displays of joy and happiness. It’s only going to get more cringeworthy when the inconsiderate bastards start soppily feeding each other yogurt-covered raisins.
The parent and child
It’s not the child’s fault he’s an irritating little shit, you tell yourself. He’s only three. But the parent? Talking to him as if he’s got an adult vocabulary, or counting the marshmallows on his hot chocolate to show off their numeracy teaching. A passive-aggressive stare will have no effect, because now they’re engrossed in some nightmarish electronic learning toy making clucking sounds.
Half the bloody office
Thrilled to be working in person again, Celina’s decided to bring the entire team down to the cafe for a latte and a brainstorm. And they’re excited to be off the leash, as the volume of their inane conversation attests. It’s lucky you absolutely love conversations about online marketing.
The messy bastard
They’ve spilt coffee all over the table and keep pestering staff for a cloth but they’re quite busy so they get some napkins but now it’s dripping on the floor, etc. etc. It’s incredibly distracting, and that’s before they’ve started picking at a muffin like they’re disassembling it molecule by molecule. Maybe next time you’ll just sit in a parking space in the Asda car park.