METROPOLITAN police chief Cressida Dick has resigned after achieving her dream of creating a utopian crime-free London.
Dick and mayor Sadiq Khan agreed that since lawbreaking in the capital has now been eliminated entirely she has no role to perform anymore due to her own incredible success.
She said:“Imagine Batman retiring. That’s what this is.
“Murder, car crime and burglaries are a thing of the past. London dwellers don’t even know what a mugging is.
“I was promoted to this position on the back of beating crime, specifically the crime of an innocent Brazilian being killed which I brilliantly proved, Miss Marple-style, wasn’t a crime because nobody did it.
“Since then I’ve tackled the case of the Sarah Everard vigil, successfully proved that imaginary child abuse wasn’t happening with a £2.5 million investigation, and ensured there is no evidence of racism, misogyny or institutional corruption within the force.
“Finally I have confronted reports of crime in Downing Street itself by launching an enquiry which will culminate in secret £100 fines. Is a crime a crime if it is never revealed and nobody is punished? I say no, and I’m the f**king police.
“Crime is over in London. All residents can leave their doors open from now on. Thank Dick.”