Dick resigns after achieving totally crime-free London

METROPOLITAN police chief Cressida Dick has resigned after achieving her dream of creating a utopian crime-free London. 

Dick and mayor Sadiq Khan agreed that since lawbreaking in the capital has now been eliminated entirely she has no role to perform anymore due to her own incredible success. 

She said:“Imagine Batman retiring. That’s what this is. 

“Murder, car crime and burglaries are a thing of the past. London dwellers don’t even know what a mugging is.

“I was promoted to this position on the back of beating crime, specifically the crime of an innocent Brazilian being killed which I brilliantly proved, Miss Marple-style, wasn’t a crime because nobody did it. 

“Since then I’ve tackled the case of the Sarah Everard vigil, successfully proved that imaginary child abuse wasn’t happening with a £2.5 million investigation, and ensured there is no evidence of racism, misogyny or institutional corruption within the force. 

“Finally I have confronted reports of crime in Downing Street itself by launching an enquiry which will culminate in secret £100 fines. Is a crime a crime if it is never revealed and nobody is punished? I say no, and I’m the f**king police. 

“Crime is over in London. All residents can leave their doors open from now on. Thank Dick.”

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Child has the dreaded 'non-binary birds and the cisgendered bees' talk

A GUARDIAN-READING couple decided it was time for their 10-year-old daughter to have a painfully right-on talk about contemporary gender issues.

Despite her school providing perfectly good age-appropriate sex education, Helen and Hugh Archer felt that daughter Emily needed extra coaching that was as awkward as it was incomprehensible.

Emily said: “They’ve read a lot about people defining their gender in a non-binary way and decided I should know about it too. I’ve got a suspicion it’s just so they can tell their dinner party friends. 

“The problem is they’ve heard some buzzwords on Radio 4 but don’t understand most of it. Dad tried to explain ‘genderqueer’ saying it was ‘people who are boys and girls at the same time, like worms’. I’m pretty sure that’s really offensive. And wrong.

“Then Mum looked me in the eye and asked if I was unsure about my sexuality. I truthfully said ‘no’, but if I was I’d keep it to myself in case she tried to explain trans-exclusionary radical feminists again. Christ, that was boring. 

“Dad said he was going to ask the manager at our Sainsbury’s if they’d got a policy on non-binary and cisgendered customers. That doesn’t sound embarrassing.

“There wasn’t much in the talk about actual sex. Maybe they haven’t found a podcast about that yet. But if we do personal pronouns at school I’m going to be top of the f**king class.”

Mum Helen said: “We’ve always brought Emily up to be female. We realise now that was wrong. She can adopt any gender identity she chooses, so long as she’s not too much like her father.”