Wayne Rooney's guide to being a fantastic husband

EVER wondered how Wayne Rooney manages to be such a considerate and desirable spouse? Here the Derby County manager shares his secrets to a blissful marriage. 

Shower your partner with gifts 

Women love presents. Get them a quad bike, a Bentley, or convert a spare room into a pub with full-sized snooker tables so you can have the lads round. Sorry, I meant ‘so they can have the girls round’. Girls like snooker marathons and puking up 15 pints of lager too. I’m not a sexist.

Provide for them financially

It’s a husband’s responsibility to make sure his wife has enough cash, especially when you’ve just got in from a two-day bender and they’re doing your f**king head in. Never make a point of being the breadwinner, just say, ‘Have 20 grand and f**k off and buy some dresses, you moaning cow.’

Be aware of their sexual needs

Women are not always ‘up for it’ like blokes are, so don’t hassle them over sex. Instead call your mates and visit some really dirty prozzies. You get a decent blowjob for once and your partner gets their personal space. It’s just about being considerate, really.

Listen to them 

If your partner’s going through a stressful time – such as a bitchy, pointless, time-wasting court case with Rebekah Vardy – sit down and listen to them. Practise nodding at regular intervals while ignoring their women’s shit. Eventually not a word will penetrate your skull and you can think about more important things, like Derby County and tits.

Be a good parent

Kids are sort of the man’s responsibility too. For me, it’s not just teaching them to kick a football. There’s headers and professional fouls too. And always tell them a bedtime story. My favourite at the moment is: ‘The hungry caterpillar ate all the food. The end.’ No point in being late for the pub.

Give them a Valentine’s Day surprise

With Valentine’s Day coming up, plan a big surprise for them. It could be a trip to Venice, but in my case it’s more likely to be a lurid tabloid scoop about me having a threesome with some hard-faced prostitutes laughing about how paralytically pissed I was. Still, they’ll remember it more than a bunch of flowers.

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Six madly in love fictional couples who wouldn't survive assembling flatpack furniture together

EVERYONE thinks they’ve found ‘the one’ until assembling a Billy bookcase leaves you hating each other. Here’s why even fiction’s most infatuated lovers would split up over flatpack furniture.

Harry and Sally

The bickering between Harry and Sally was charming when it was about movies or pie. But that’s low stakes stuff. Make it an attempt to decode an IKEA manual, with him irritably telling her she’s doing it wrong, and it’s When Sally Told Harry To F**k Off And Got Back With Her Old Boyfriend.

Romeo and Juliet

Melodramatic hotheads are not cut out for assembling flatpack furniture. While many of us feel like committing suicide when bickering over the difference between the tiny and even tinier screws, these two might actually do it.

Lois Lane and Superman

Superman does have the advantage being able to fly away when Lois discovers the cupboard doors have been put on inside out. Or maybe reverse time to before anyone thought the nation would be gagging to assemble a ‘modular storage system’ themselves.

Heathcliff and Cathy

The flatpack pieces wouldn’t even be out of the box before Heathcliff and Cathy were running around on the moors and threatening to die from consumption. And getting a delivery to rural Yorkshire would cost a fortune, Amazon Prime membership or not. In a volatile relationship like theirs, a misplaced Allen key would be the last straw.

Jack and Rose

These two impractical idiots shouldn’t be let near flatpacks when they couldn’t even work out that the door wasn’t big enough for both of them. Their shelves wouldn’t be level and Rose would be constantly bringing it up for the next 84 years. So really it’s lucky for Jack that he froze to death.

Mario and Princess Peach

Even when he’s plumbing, Mario can only finish a job if he gets to kill sentient mushrooms and jump on turtles. Not to mention that Princess Peach would only turn up right at the end for a patronising, cursory celebration.