Six car stickers for pathetic wankers

FEW things scream ‘pathetic’ like stickers in your rear window intended to impress others with your lifestyle. Like these irksome examples.


You love Cornwall so much you feel the need to display the county flag with the Cornish word for it in your f**king Range Rover. You stupidly think it makes you one of the locals, not realising it makes them detest tourists like you even more. However it’s a considerate gesture toward the vandals of St. Ives, as it will save them time deciding which car to key.

My other car’s a… 

Oh the hilarity. This gag quickly got old when knackered Skodas displayed it in the 70s, but remains popular with tossers who want to share their brilliant sense of humour via car stickers. See also: ‘Boobies make me smile’, ‘No baby on board – Durex’, etc. The only thing worse is if your other car really is a Porsche or Jag, in which case you may as well get a custom-made sticker saying ‘Weapons-grade arsehole’.


You think your hippy street cred is massively enhanced by showing you care about the planet, as if everyone else thinks living in a toxic wasteland would be just peachy. You conveniently gloss over the fact you’re showing your support for a greener Earth while chugging along the M5 in an old Volvo pumping petrol fumes into the clogged atmosphere.

Baby/Princess on Board

New parents already bore the shit out of everyone with the fruits of their reproductive organs, so the rear window is another outlet to broadcast their non-news. Then there’s the inference that everyone else on the road bar you is a baby-hating maniac. Don’t be surprised if someone ploughs into the back of you purely because they’re sick of being patronised.

National Trust membership

Why anyone would advertise being a boring middle-aged twat who likes looking round old mansions is a mystery. Probably they think it makes them look interesting, plus a bit posh and superior. In reality it means you’re the kind of tedious old fart who corners people at social gatherings with conversations about the artistic genius of William Morris. (Him what did the fancy wallpaper, if you’re a dreadful pleb.)

Your mum’s disabled Blue Badge sticker

You take her shopping on the weekends because she’s old, immobile and doesn’t drive, so you’re entitled to it, right? Er, no. You’re not meant to flagrantly abuse the privilege by nicking the parking spaces right outside Waitrose all the rest of the week too. When she dies you’ll keep using it, but everyone knows you’re a tosser by now and pretty much expects it of you.

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Are you 'not consciously racist'? Take our fun quiz

AN FA panel has claimed ex-Crawley Town manager John Yems was ‘not consciously racist’ despite comments like ‘curry muncher’. So are you unconsciously racist?

A South Asian family moves in next door. Do you: 

A) Put up a BNP poster.

B) Congratulate them for integrating successfully, because a lot of them don’t, and say ‘No, where are you from really?’ when they claim to have moved from Peterborough.

You are a police officer. A young black man approaches you to report a crime. Do you: 

A) Taser him.

B) Say ‘Yo, what time is it? Fancy a breakdance, blud? I’m a big fan of Kanye Z.’

Two young Muslim men board the underground, wearing rucksacks. Do you:

A) Run off screaming ‘He’s reaching for a detonator!’

B) Ask if they’ve got any tips on making a curry.

You encounter a family of Orthodox Jews while walking through Stamford Hill. Do you 

A) Start goose-stepping in a hilarious fashion.

B) Approach them and warmly congratulate them for Woody Allen and Mel Brooks, asking if they know them.

You are watching Football Focus and one of the presenters is Alex Scott. Do you 

A) Write a post on Twitter inanely claiming it’s illegal for white men to be football commentators. 

B) Write a post on Twitter protesting that having a black woman fronting Football Focus is ‘box ticking’ – and your imaginary black friends agree with you.

Mostly As. You are a racist, not an unconscious racist. Except when you’re asleep, then you’re an unconscious racist.

Mostly Bs. You vaguely mean well but you have quite a few racist bones in your body. Try asking yourself: ‘Is every person of the same skin colour exactly the same?’ You might be surprised by the answer!