Five f**king nightmare wankers you'll end up sat next to on the plane

GOING on holiday abroad again at last? Prepare yourself to endure five hours stuck next to one of these utter arseholes.

The pisshead

The novelty of being able to drink at 5am means this twat is shitfaced before even getting on the plane. They strap themselves in next to you and start loudly demanding to know when the drinks trolley is coming before the plane has even reached the runway. After abusing the cabin crew, they fall asleep and drool on your shoulder all the way to Athens.

The nervous flyer

Endure this wuss chattering nervously to you while clutching the sick bag as you prepare for takeoff. When they grab your arm in terror and whimper ‘What was that?’ for the 19th time after you hit a spot of turbulence, saying ‘A pigeon just got sucked into the engine and we’re going down’ should frighten them into fainting and giving you a bit of respite.

The incessant chatterbox

You got up at 3am to drive to the airport and you just want to be left alone to have a nap. Not with this gobby arsebag next to you. It will start with some pathetic quip like ‘I hope the pilot has done this before’ then descend into a full-scale interrogation about where you’re going, how long for, and other things which are none of their f**king business

The space invader

There’s always one twat with absolutely no sense of spatial awareness and they’re sat next to you. They commandeer the shared armrest and insist on spreadeagling themselves across their seat and most of yours. Smile obligingly when they ask if they can leave their book and jacket on your lap when they get up for a piss, as it at least allows you the opportunity to rifle through their pockets for some bonus holiday money.

The couple with a baby

Screaming babies and plane flights are a combination only the most selfish wankers would inflict on fellow travellers, but that’s what you’re putting up with for thousands of miles. The real fun begins when it shits itself mid-flight, there’s a queue for the toilet and you’re stuck gagging at the stench of fresh infantile faecal matter while trapped inside a metal box. Devon next year?

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Ferrets, and other pets for try-hard pricks

THINK cats and dogs are too pedestrian to match your fascinating personality? Get one of these animals to demonstrate just how insufferable you are.


Humans are supposed to have an innate fear of creatures that appear potentially venomous, so show people how double-extra-hard you are by having a massive, hairy spider as a pet. While you think it’s a fascinating talking point, anyone who visits you at home will be legitimately terrified and leave as quickly as possible.


‘Oh look, that man’s got a sausage dog. Wait, why is it crawling up his trouser leg? Oh Christ, it’s a ferret on a lead. What an absolute twat.’ This will be the thought process of every single passer-by who spots you taking your vicious little weasel out for a walk. Enjoy.


Think owning a snake will make you seem wild and free-spirited, like Ozzy Osbourne before he became a reality TV fossil? Well, it won’t. It will make you seem like a psychopath. Thanks to Matilda, your 10-foot long boa constrictor, you’ll end up living alone, endlessly cleaning out giant tanks full of reptile shit.

Micro pig

An animal that you’ve solely bought to exhibit on Instagram. Who wouldn’t love such an adorable little pet? Well, it will certainly look cute to your online followers, but they don’t have to live with a farm animal stinking up their house. Plus, pigs can keep growing up to the age of six, so that micro pig might end up massive.


Is it a fish? Is it a lizard? Is it a Pokémon character magically made flesh? Who knows, and you won’t have time to think about it because you’ll be spending all your time desperately peering at your aquarium thermometer to make sure this incredibly high-maintenance little beast doesn’t get too hot or cold and expire.