GOING on holiday abroad again at last? Prepare yourself to endure five hours stuck next to one of these utter arseholes.
The pisshead
The novelty of being able to drink at 5am means this twat is shitfaced before even getting on the plane. They strap themselves in next to you and start loudly demanding to know when the drinks trolley is coming before the plane has even reached the runway. After abusing the cabin crew, they fall asleep and drool on your shoulder all the way to Athens.
The nervous flyer
Endure this wuss chattering nervously to you while clutching the sick bag as you prepare for takeoff. When they grab your arm in terror and whimper ‘What was that?’ for the 19th time after you hit a spot of turbulence, saying ‘A pigeon just got sucked into the engine and we’re going down’ should frighten them into fainting and giving you a bit of respite.
The incessant chatterbox
You got up at 3am to drive to the airport and you just want to be left alone to have a nap. Not with this gobby arsebag next to you. It will start with some pathetic quip like ‘I hope the pilot has done this before’ then descend into a full-scale interrogation about where you’re going, how long for, and other things which are none of their f**king business
The space invader
There’s always one twat with absolutely no sense of spatial awareness and they’re sat next to you. They commandeer the shared armrest and insist on spreadeagling themselves across their seat and most of yours. Smile obligingly when they ask if they can leave their book and jacket on your lap when they get up for a piss, as it at least allows you the opportunity to rifle through their pockets for some bonus holiday money.
The couple with a baby
Screaming babies and plane flights are a combination only the most selfish wankers would inflict on fellow travellers, but that’s what you’re putting up with for thousands of miles. The real fun begins when it shits itself mid-flight, there’s a queue for the toilet and you’re stuck gagging at the stench of fresh infantile faecal matter while trapped inside a metal box. Devon next year?
