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Arsehole who's really nice worse than just an arsehole, everyone agrees

ANNOYING but genuinely nice people are far more irritating than those who are simply total dickheads, it has been confirmed.

Full-blooded wankers create uncomplicated feelings of rage and hatred, whereas wankers who have some redeeming features are worse because they also inspire feelings of guilt.

Martin Bishop, from Leeds, said: “There’s a guy in my office who’s always really friendly and up for making everyone a cup of tea. But he’s also a bit of a cock who’s constantly interrupting people and always banging on about his Range Rover Evoque.

“I spend half my time hating him and the other half wracked with guilt for getting so pissed off. Things would be so much easier if he was just a complete prick through and through.”

Mary Fisher, from Edinburgh, said: “I had a neighbour who had a puerile sense of humour and a really annoying laugh, but she was also really kind and did lots for charity. She got right on my tits, but I felt like the twat for finding her so irritating.

“Then she moved away and was replaced with a classic, dyed-in-the-wool arsehole. It’s so refreshing to meet someone you can hate with such simple, straightforward clarity.”

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Number 36 have a skip out front: your dad's shit local gossip

GIVING your parents the usual cursory weekly phone call? Here’s some of the mind-numbingly tedious local gossip your father will fill you in on.

The neighbours haven’t cut the grass in a while

Your dad has kept an obsessively close eye on the neighbour’s lawn since they moved in in 1996. They haven’t cut the grass for three weeks and dandelions are sprouting, which he says is bringing the cul-de-sac into disrepute and could cause house prices to plummet. Your mum, on the other hand, is convinced they’re dead.

Number 36 have a skip out front

Having a skip in the road is something else that your dad believes will crash the local property market. They look untidy and mean the street will be full of uncouth builders with tattoos and bum cleavage. However, as he confesses a minute later, it does mean he can go out and have an exciting root around in it every evening after dark.

Number 4 stopped getting milk delivered

You try to move conversation onto something more meaningful and tell your dad about your relationship problems. He doesn’t give a shit about that though, and is more interested in dissecting number 4’s milk delivery situation. He suspects they might have turned vegan, and says he should have known they were hippy socialist drug smokers because the man wears sandals without socks in the summer.

Mr and Mrs Gerving painted their house

Your dad has very fixed ideas about what colour houses should be, and that’s brick-coloured or white. The Gervings have painted their house a tasteful and restrained shade of sage green, which actually looks very classy. However, your dad is acting like they’ve daubed ‘F**k you’ across it in massive letters and has written some very passive-aggressive comments about it on the local Facebook group.

The Logans had a few people round the other day

A neighbour had a few extra cars parked outside their house last Saturday and your dad has got a lot to say about the ‘borderline rave’ they hosted. Luckily at this moment your mum takes the phone and confides that he was just jealous not to be invited, but what can you expect when you’ve got a reputation as a nosey curtain-twitcher?

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