THE pub is a fine British institution where people come together to stare silently into the bottom of a pint glass while getting shitfaced. But what does your choice of pint say about you?
John Smith’s: you are an old fart
This bitter is catnip for know-it-alls and boring old bastards. You’re at least 50, drinking at an incredibly slow pace that would make the pub unviable if everyone did it, and sharing inane insights with the captive bar staff, eg. ‘There didn’t used to be Sky Sports, you know.’
Mainly though it’s for twats who like to sound knowledgeable about beer without the effort of joining CAMRA. You’ll complain about every other pint, which is ‘flat’, or ‘the lines haven’t been cleaned’, or it simply ‘tastes funny’, whatever that means. You are a pseudo-expert about a brand of ultra-average bitter. Well done.
Stella Artois: you are a psychopath
Sadly there’s a kernel of truth in the ‘wife beater’ nickname and the average 2022 Stella drinker is a meathead called Lee who has sleeve tattoos, a holiday home in Alicante, a BMW X5 on finance and is secretly up to his eyeballs in debt. No one else in the pub dares look at him because he once smashed up the jukebox for allegedly playing the wrong song.
Of course Stella is a lot weaker than wine, and we don’t give Merlot the nickname ‘middle class abuser’, so it’s a bit prejudiced and classist. But in the case of Stella drinkers, who gives a shit?
Coors: you are underage
The go-to for every nervous 16-year-old lad just desperate to get served. Normally paid for with a clammy £5 note they’ve been gripping tightly in their terrified fist. Or – even worse – with their topped-up GoHenry card.
Hardly anyone drinks it, but they’ve seen 12 cans for a tenner in Asda. So it must be good. Despite tasting of absolutely nothing, if they successfully buy it before they turn 18 it will taste like the nectar of the gods. Until the heartburn starts, of course. Because it’s gassy as f**k.
Lime and soda: you are a boring bastard
A popular choice for non-drinkers or recovering alcoholics, lime and soda is the dullest pint going. At least order a Coke and be bouncing off the walls with a sugar high after your third pint.
For extra boring bastard points order one during a high-profile football match and nurse it for three whole hours. Snobs can insist on the bar staff using real lime and not the luminous green cordial. Thus you establish yourself as person of taste. Or a time-wasting Waitrose twat stopping everyone else getting served.
IPA: you are a hipster
They normally drink in wanky little beer shops which sell cans of Marshmallow Stout for £7, so when a hipster is forced to go to a real pub, they order the most obscure IPA on draft. Something called Devil’s Armpit, Intergalactic Soup or Camden Bog Monster. The names vary but they’re all f**king disgusting.
Before buying they’ll have asked to have ‘a little taste’ of all three. As if buying a pint is the most important financial decision of your f**king life.