THE mullet is a warning from history, but for all Gen Z’s supposed social awareness it is a warning they have failed to heed. They are doomed to repeat these mistakes:
For decades the mullet has been universally mocked. But the youth of today not only let Billy Ray Cyrus enjoy a comeback, but his hated hairstyle. Shaved sides, a short top, and flowing locks over the collar are an abomination even if ironic. The photographic evidence is building every second. You will suffer for these errors forever.
Strange partial dye jobs
Highlights, tints and blonde fringes on brown hair are nothing new. They’re standard for the post-divorce MILF, meaning Gen Z’s seen them first-hand and has no excuse. It doesn’t look cool or alternative. It looks like you used leftover dye from three different boxes.
Side partings are a constant source of hilarity to Gen Z because they’re the trademark millennial haircut. How a centre parting is cooler in comparison remains unexplained, like most of the shit teenagers believe. Give them a few months and they’ll be gelling their hair up in stupid little quiffs too, the naive fools.
Stupid little moustaches
They’re working with what little facial hair they can muster, to be fair, but really? A little moustache only discernable in strong sunlight? With that and a polo shirt, you exactly resemble the 1980s brother-in-law who was doing well in property and drove a Pontiac Firebird. This is not a cool person to be like.
Buzz cuts are the invading Russia of hairstyles. Lots of people have thought they could pull it off easily before beating a slow, agonising retreat. Gen Z’s dream man Harry Styles is the latest martyr to the cause, and no amount of body positivity affirmations can disguise the fact that it looks shit and he’s likely only doing it for a film.
Messing about with eyebrows
The warnings about tattoos should be extended to eyebrows, because you know the fashion thing you’re doing with your eyebrows right now? You will wear that look for life. Every previous generation has plucked, trimmed and threaded, and look at their eyebrows now: f**ked up. The Zoomers don’t listen. Too busy getting memes tattooed on their necks.