Six hair mistakes from history Gen Z refuse to learn from

THE mullet is a warning from history, but for all Gen Z’s supposed social awareness it is a warning they have failed to heed. They are doomed to repeat these mistakes: 


For decades the mullet has been universally mocked. But the youth of today not only let Billy Ray Cyrus enjoy a comeback, but his hated hairstyle. Shaved sides, a short top, and flowing locks over the collar are an abomination even if ironic. The photographic evidence is building every second. You will suffer for these errors forever.

Strange partial dye jobs

Highlights, tints and blonde fringes on brown hair are nothing new. They’re standard for the post-divorce MILF, meaning Gen Z’s seen them first-hand and has no excuse. It doesn’t look cool or alternative. It looks like you used leftover dye from three different boxes.


Side partings are a constant source of hilarity to Gen Z because they’re the trademark millennial haircut. How a centre parting is cooler in comparison remains unexplained, like most of the shit teenagers believe. Give them a few months and they’ll be gelling their hair up in stupid little quiffs too, the naive fools.

Stupid little moustaches

They’re working with what little facial hair they can muster, to be fair, but really? A little moustache only discernable in strong sunlight? With that and a polo shirt, you exactly resemble the 1980s brother-in-law who was doing well in property and drove a Pontiac Firebird. This is not a cool person to be like.

Buzz cuts

Buzz cuts are the invading Russia of hairstyles. Lots of people have thought they could pull it off easily before beating a slow, agonising retreat. Gen Z’s dream man Harry Styles is the latest martyr to the cause, and no amount of body positivity affirmations can disguise the fact that it looks shit and he’s likely only doing it for a film.

Messing about with eyebrows

The warnings about tattoos should be extended to eyebrows, because you know the fashion thing you’re doing with your eyebrows right now? You will wear that look for life. Every previous generation has plucked, trimmed and threaded, and look at their eyebrows now: f**ked up. The Zoomers don’t listen. Too busy getting memes tattooed on their necks.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

You'd be a f**king mug to vote Tory, says minister for common sense

THE newly appointed minister for common sense has advised the public if they vote Tory after the last 14 years they ‘need their heads examined’. 

Esther McVey was given the role in the last Cabinet reshuffle and has wasted no time giving the public her bracing view that the Tory party is a busted flush only a knobhead could support.

Speaking from the front of her black cab, McVey said: “It ain’t controversial, mate. It’s just common bleeding sense.

“I mean take that Rishi. We didn’t vote for the prick. He’s helicoptered round between his massive houses while we’re paying tax through the bloody nose, and for what? Shite dumped in our rivers?

“All this stuff he’s telling that’s wrong with government, well it’s his government, it’s been in power yonks and what have they achieved? Square root of f**k all except filling their pockets. Working man’s poorer than ever. Shopping bill’s a joke.

“And Brexit? Don’t get me started. If there’s benefits from it they’ve skipped my house. Nah, Tories have had their chance and it’s been bollocks. I’m voting that Starmer next.”

The prime minister said: “Right. Because I didn’t mean actual common sense.”