Six horrific photos other people have of you

WE all have moments in our lives that we’d like to forget. Unfortunately, other people’s cameras ensure some moments will stay excruciating forever.

Spotty teenager

Most teenagers have a time when hormones are raging and you’re looking like a particularly unappealing pizza. Sadly that time coincides with school portraits that can be transferred onto mugs, calendars, and mousemats. Don’t press too hard on the mousemat, just in case.

World book day

The day when every primary school child dresses up as a weird-looking Harry Potter or Hermione Granger. Still not as bad as having pretentious parents who send you as Jules Verne’s Phileas Fogg, or, if they are keen Christians, in an old dressing gown as Jesus. 

Toothless school photos

If your parents truly loved you they’d incinerate those school photos of you in the ‘inbetween teeth’ years, instead of using them as mantelpiece decorations to shatter your self-confidence every time you see them. Your hair will be laughably shit, too.

At uni sucking on a bong

What could be worse than being snapped sucking on a mighty bong at university with red, bleary eyes? Probably wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt at the same time, although it’s many decades after the 60s and you don’t actually know anything about him.

And any youthful pretentious phase 

Harmless, but if you went through a phase of dressing as a French philosopher or Kate Bush, you’ll wish you had a time machine to go back and stop photographs being invented.

Being carried by police officers

Maybe it was a bad pint. But it wasn’t. It was all the other ones and the shots. It took two coppers to get you into an upright position, and there’s a suspicious damp patch on your trousers. Good job your mates had their phones handy or your new girlfriend might never have seen this magical moment.

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Johnson brings forward wedding to this afternoon

BORIS Johnson has decided to bring forward his wedding to Carrie Symonds to two o’clock this afternoon, he has announced.

The prime minister’s decision is in no way an attempt to deflect attention from Dominic Cummings’ revelations yesterday, but based on his extremely romantic nature.

Johnson said: “I’m hoping we can put behind us whatever it was that happened yesterday. I’ve already forgotten about it, and I hope you have too.

“What’s important is that we focus on this special afternoon and my betrothal to this wonderful young lady, er… Carrie. Yes, that’s right, Carrie, like the horror film.”

Johnson dismissed Cummings’ comments about herd immunity at the expense of the elderly and vulnerable to ensure his popularity in the polls as “whiffle piffle paffle”, and said he now just wanted to concentrate on being a good husband. 

He continued: “While not watching the news at all yesterday, I was reminded of how important love is. Carrie’s a keeper – she got us that f**king hound, and he’s been a great distraction from this endless shitshow. Sorry, I meant ‘a man’s best friend’.

“Two o’clock. I’d ask the press to respect our wish for privacy by bringing as many photographers and cameras as possible. Dilyn’s going to be there.”