Six involuntary noises made by the middle-aged

YOU used to have enough energy to get out of bed without giving a weird grunt. Here are some other involuntary noises you make when you reach middle age.


Sleep used to make you feel refreshed, but after you hit 45 you wake up every day feeling like you’ve got a moderate hangover, without the pleasure of drinking the night before. As you work up the will to lever yourself out of bed you fantasise briefly about having one of those old people beds that does the hard work for you.


Your kids are making you watch K-pop videos on YouTube again. Ghastly manufactured music with garish videos, stupid clothes and twee lyrics about love or inner strength or something. Not like the good old days of authentic, thought-provoking music like the Spice Girls.


Despite making the same resolution every new year since 2013, you have not managed to get fit. Your knees start hurting if you break into so much as a light trot and your chest feels funny every time you walk up an incline. This year is definitely the year though, you tell yourself as you sit down to catch your breath and open another Crunchie.


You never thought you’d be someone who couldn’t control your bottom, and yet here you are involuntarily letting one rip in the cheese aisle at Sainsbury’s. You still haven’t reached the age where you couldn’t give a f**k though, so you sidle away giving the person browsing next to you a disgusted glance as if they are the culprit.

F**king hell, what now?

As a middle aged person, you are at the constant beck and call of not only your kids, but also your elderly parents. You can’t sit down for five minutes without someone ringing up asking for a lift back from a party or wanting you to come over and rescue their false teeth from the waste disposal unit. All you can do is swear angrily, and then obey.

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Who says men aren't loyal? 44-year-old's top five celebrity shags the same as when he was 21

A 44-YEAR-OLD man still has the same top five celebrity shag list as when he was a young man, it has emerged

Self-employed carpet fitter Nathan Muir made his list 23 years ago, in the halcyon days of 1999, and has remained steadfast to the same fantasy one-f**k paramours ever since.

He said: “I think it shows that I’m a better man than Leonardo DiCaprio, for example, who’s always ditching his latest bird for a younger one. When I commit it’s for life.

“Take Britney Spears. She’s been through a lot since I made that list but I never once considered dropping her, because she’s got an absolutely fantastic arse.

“Kelly Brook’s put on weight exactly where you’d want her to, Jennifer Lopez was hot as f**k in that stripper film, Charlize Theron’s not aged a day, and while you don’t see Andrea Corr that much she still looks cracking.

“But even if they’d let themselves go a bit, so what? It wouldn’t change the way I feel. I’ve put on five stone and lost my hair since then myself. It’s what’s in the heart that matters.

“Yeah, I might have gone through two divorces and a string of infidelities since then, but I’ve remained true to my top five shags.”