Six modern developments that either delight or horrify your parents

YOUR ageing parents are incredibly fickle when it comes to deciding what they like about the developments of the modern age. Here are six things they either adore or detest:

Delightful: Online greetings cards

Your mum constantly bemoans the decline of the shitty little post office down the road that only sold stamps and Happy Shopper spaghetti hoops, yet she is obsessed with sending people naff digital greetings cards. ‘Isn’t it amazing what they can do these days?’ she remarks, before laughing hysterically at a birthday card with an underwater theme emblazoned with the pun ‘Turtley Awesome’.

Horrifying: Anything with a QR code

QR codes are kryptonite for old duffers. Taking your Dad to a restaurant where he needs to access the menu via his phone is like watching a Labrador trying to crack the Enigma Code. After 50 minutes the waiter will turn up with eight sides of peas and a crème brulée, which your dad will miserably eat because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss.

Delightful: Amazon Prime

Having spent the last ten years acting like paying for things online was as risky as putting all their cash in a big pile and setting it on fire, your parents have discovered Amazon Prime and lost their minds over it. ‘Did you know I can order a new set of wellingtons for the dog and they arrive the very next day?’ your mum marvels, leaving you wondering exactly how much of your inheritance will be blown on useless tat before they finally expire.

Horrifying: Posh coffee shops

In the good old days, the only place you could get a hot drink in town was the Wimpy, where the coffee cost 40p a cup and tasted like shit.  Now every other shop is a café and your parents are utterly overwhelmed by a world of frappuccinos, macchiatos, almond milk, Peruvian blends, pumpkin spices, flat whites and skinny lattes. It’s understandably terrifying.

Delightful: The choice of rice, salad or chips

Nothing brings a smile to your mum’s face like realising she has the choice of rice, chips OR salad with her main. After 10 minutes of being giddy about it, she will finally nail down her choice, to the relief of the waiter has been patiently listening to her explain her thought process out loud. To recreate the same sense of euphoria, go somewhere that sells a wide variety of fancily flavoured gin.

Horrifying: a large selection of streaming services

Given that 80% of your parent’s days are spent watching telly, you’d think they’d be overjoyed to have access to plenty of streaming services. But no, despite the fact that you’ve signed them up to Netflix, Amazon Prime, Now TV and BritBox, they insist on only the watching the ‘main’ terrestrial channels – which doesn’t include Channel 5 – and then moaning that there’s never anything on.

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Phone calls never recorded for training purposes, companies admit

COMPANIES have admitted that they never record phone calls for training or quality purposes, instead keeping them indefinitely for no real reason.

While customers are encouraged to believe that huge corporations give a shit about their customer services and strive to constantly improve, they don’t, and are mainly just taking the piss.

Lucy Parry, staff training supervisor at a broadband provider, said: “What kind of training course would play loads of recordings of irate members of the public swearing profusely while trying to cancel their contracts?

“It should be clear it’s bollocks. If we recorded calls for training purposes, we would have lots of highly-trained, efficient and personable staff who could answer routine questions without reading woodenly from a script, putting you on hold for 40 minutes or randomly cutting you off.

“No, we mainly do it so we can secretly sell them on to even larger multinationals who are slowly building a comprehensive database of information about you which they will eventually use to take over your entire life.

“And aside from that we just record them to laugh at people with funny voices.”