Mercury is in retrograde: excuses twats will use for behaving like twats

WE all have days where we accidentally get on everyone’s tits, but you won’t gain any sympathy with any of these lame excuses:

Mercury is in retrograde

Mercury retrograde is an optical illusion which means the planet looks like it’s going backwards from earth, which has f**k all to do with you acting like a wanker. Unless Mercury fell from the sky and onto your Nan’s house this morning, nothing that it’s doing can explain your annoyingness.

I need to detox myself

This translates as: ‘I’ve spent several consecutive nights on the lash, I’m exhausted, full of anxiety and worried I might be borderline alcoholic’. If you must spend the next five days drinking lemon water and saying affirmations, feel free, but at least be honest and admit you’ve just got a monster hangover.

We have incompatible star signs

People who are into astrology believe that they have a particular set of personality traits due to the position of the planets when they were born. People who aren’t into astrology think this is total bollocks and hearing someone say ‘I could never date a person with a Gemini moon’ makes them want to walk into the sun.

I’m too caffeinated

There are many substances you can blame for bad behaviour, but none of them can be bought at a Pret-a-Manger. If you’re acting like a hyperactive bellend and getting on everyone’s nerves, the brutal truth is that you’re just a highly annoying person to be around and a hot beverage has no bearing on this fact.

I’m not caffeinated enough

Who knew an entire office’s wellbeing would hinge on one dickhead’s ability to master the correct number of daily trips to the coffee machine? The entire office knew, turns out, because they are treated to the same monologue about it every f**king day.

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Woman only able to communicate in bullshit pop culture memes

DOCTORS are increasingly worried about a woman who has lost the power of speech due to years of expressing herself only in inane, unfunny internet memes.

Years of heavy social media use have left Nikki Hollis totally reliant on memes for communication, including Will Ferrell in Anchorman, a cartoon cyclist putting a stick between his own spokes, and an irritable-looking cat.

Dr Emma Bradford said: “Ms Hollis’s condition was incredibly hard to diagnose, mainly because she just kept getting out her phone and showing me a picture of Fry from Futurama with no context.

“I expected serious head trauma, perhaps from a car accident, but a brain scan indicates she’s just spent too long posting internet shite and has forgotten how to form words or type a proper sentence.

“Her condition is similar to locked-in syndrome, only she’s trapped in there with Liam Neeson making an intimidating phone call and Baby Yoda. It’s terrifying. I mean, Anchorman came out in 2004. How lame is that?”

When asked about her condition, Hollis posted a picture of Captain Picard facepalming, suggesting she was exasperated, or that the question was foolish, or that she just liked Star Trek.

Therapist Donna Sheridan said: “We’re not making much progress. Today I finally got Nikki to type ‘lol’, which is sort of a word. Then she found an incomprehensible Stranger Things meme and it was back to square one.”