Six places that magically become public toilets if you need a piss badly enough

STAGGERING home from the pub with five pints in your bladder and no public loo in sight? Try these handy alternatives:

A phone box

Though less commonly available than they used to be, a phone box is essentially a conveniently sized cubicle for relieving yourself. Don’t worry about the floor-to-ceiling windows, you’re drunk enough not to have to care about passing strangers seeing your bits.

Any tree

Trees are nature’s phone boxes, and come in a variety of widths to suit different privacy needs and bladder sizes. It’s better if they’re in the middle of a large, deserted forest rather than the middle of your local park which is packed with families and children, but needs must.

Between two parked cars

More commonly used by women than men, as car bonnets are about the right height to hide a woman who has had too many pitchers of Blue Lagoon and needs to squat down and hitch up her skirt away from prying eyes. Just make sure the cars are empty, as a suddenly reversing one could leave you embarrassingly exposed.

Your ex’s flat

You still have keys, it’s on your way home, and you know he works late in the office on Wednesdays. Never mind that it’s essentially trespassing and a criminal offence, he was a useless bastard anyway. And he probably won’t notice you’ve nicked that lamp you always liked on your way out.

Someone’s garden

You’ll only go into someone’s garden if you need more than a piss, as even you aren’t shitfaced enough to do a poo on the pavement. However, this is a bad place to be caught curling one out if you set the security light off and they come barrelling out onto the patio in their dressing gown. ‘I got lost’ isn’t going to cut it.

A police cell

Public urination is illegal but fortunately you can avoid the £100 fine by first committing another, worse, crime. After your arrest, you’ll get your own toilet in the holding cell. Plus a criminal record, but it’ll be worth it when you get to have that blissful, relieving pee.

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Man reporting shoplifter thinks he'll get a prize

A MAN who went unnecessarily out of his way to grass up a shoplifter is expecting a big reward, he has confirmed.

Tom Logan has no truck with people who are not bothered by minor, potentially desperately motivated misdeeds, and clarified that his incentive for dobbing in shoplifters was a big trophy for being so principled and brave.

Logan said: “Shoplifting is not a victimless crime. Every Crème Egg scanned through the self-checkout as an onion is a pound less in the pockets of the Sainsbury’s bosses. I know they’ll be appreciating my hard, courageous work.

“And I’m not calling myself a hero, but I’m sure Batman would have also told the security guard to check the CCTV if he saw someone slip a tin of beans in their bag. Unlike Batman, though, I’d be happy to have my name in the paper. Just to set a good example.

“I guess I would find being presented with a Pride of Britain Award a bit embarrassing, but that’s just what happens for people who have done exceptional things. Like loudly reminding pensioners that if they want a bag they have to scan and pay for them.

“’What would Jesus do?’ I ask myself when I see these things happening. Well, he’d obviously turn a blind eye to a woman nicking baby formula, so I do the opposite of that woke do-gooder and call the police.”