Six poncey things to do with your home office now you've been sent back to the real one

WORKERS are back in the office, and middle-class workers who spunked thousands on home offices look like dicks. Here’s some twattish things to do with them: 

Home gym

Now that your home office is entirely redundant, why not piss away thousands more turning it into a gym which will remain equally unused? Imagine how fulfilled you’ll feel when you pull a hamstring sitting in the rowing machine watching YouTube on your phone.

Walk-in wardrobe

Just like the Kardashians, you too can have a special room for all your clothes, luxurious and tastefully lit. Except you have nowhere near as many clothes, loads don’t fit, and outside the darkness of the wardrobe they look tatty and it smells like a dusty charity shop.

Child’s bedroom

Since your kids have left home, you thought you’d get rid of their rooms for your office. But the sense of security you gave them meant they did arts degrees and have zero chance of finding gainful employment. They’re moving back in and they’ll be there until their mid-30s.

Mood room

Despite having absolutely no idea what a mood room is, Nigella Lawson has one so you crave one. You’ve now painted a room mauve and you aimlessly wander in there when there’s nothing on telly, then watch YouTube on your phone.


A manly cave for men, full of man’s stuff like sports memorabilia and gaming consoles and framed posters for 90s rap albums. A place for a man to be a man, where you go and realise that all you’ve done is clear all the shit your wife hates from every other room of the house.


Nothing screams ‘mid-life crisis’ like constructing an underwhelming replica of a pub in your own home. Instead of having a pint in an actual pub with real people you can now sidle into your spare room and get hammered on draught Grolsch alone, watching YouTube.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six TV shows where a live f**king animal was inexplicably the star

IN the past there was no CGI and actors were off their faces on booze and drugs, meaning animals had to step up and star in these classics: 

Mister Ed, 1961-1966

AnAmerican show starring a talking horse and his owner Wilbur. The duo formed a comedy partnership with Mister Ed lip-syncing to a voiceover and only audible to Wilbur, a situation understood by modern-day middle-class princesses and their ponies.

Lassie, 1943-ongoing

A Rough Collie hangs around with kids who have lost all sense of risk and consequently stumble down wells on a weekly basis. Lassie then goes and wearily barks at an adult ‘The dumbshit’s hanging off the edge of a f**king cliff again’ to an adult, who repeats a censored version out loud.

Flipper, 1963-1996

A bottle-nosed dolphin who acted as a hairless, clicky, wet Lassie, perpetually saving his young friend and acting as emergency services for a US marine park. Billed as the King of the Sea but would have been seriously f**ked up if the emergency had ever been a killer whale.

Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, 1967-1969

A third iteration of the same idea, this time with a kangaroo supposedly giving a shit about children stumbling into the deadly hazards littering the Australian outback. Kangaroos make little sound, so Skippy communicated a child’s location, the type and severity of his injuries and which venomous snake was approaching by smacking his lips.

Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion, Daktari, 1965-1969

A lion that couldn’t talk to humans but had ophthalmic issues. Rode in a jeep frequently. Miraculously the show was cancelled because of low ratings, not because Clarence killed a junior co-star.

Hammy Hamster, Tales of the Riverbank, 1960-1992

The breakout star of a BBC kids show in which actual rodents had adventures on jam-smeared boats and aeroplanes. Shown late at night in America, it made Hammy a cult star among weedhead freaks and got him his own spin-off. It’s reasonable to assume he met the most sordid possible end.