Six signs that you're no longer completely skint

MOVING up in the world? Splashing out on little luxuries, such as washing your hands in hot water? Here’s some other signs that you’re no longer flat broke: 

Taking a crap at home

Skint You saved those expensive cable-laying sessions for work, where someone else is paying for the toilet paper. Wealthy You can luxuriate in having a dump in privacy without knowing exactly which fellow miser’s shuffling into the next cubicle by the sound of their sigh.

Having a store-bought sandwich for lunch

You’re now in the heady world of combination ingredients. Two ingredients are good – ham and cheese, tuna and sweetcorn, cheese and pickle – but a three-ingredient sandwich like BLT or sausage, bacon and egg are an announcement that you’re financially secure to the whole world.

Passing change in the gutter

When you can see 5p lying next to a grid and just walk on by, you’re financially comfortable. When it’s 20p and still the tax-free cash isn’t worth the risk of germs, you truly are a rich man. When it’s 50p or more you still pick it up, because no matter how much cash you’ve got that’s 50p.

Buying sugar like normal people

Most people get their sugar in bags, from a supermarket. Skint people get theirs from coffee shops and restaurants, along with their ketchup, and tartar sauce. Gone are the days of keeping a drawer full of sugar sachets and pretending it’s convenient. Now you spoon it out of a bag and it goes everywhere.

Supermarket shopping at any time of the day

No longer do you precision-time your visits to exactly coincide with the Whoops! aisle markdowns, nor do you know the guy doing those markdowns by name. You plan meals in advance rather than eating a katsu curry for breakfast because 75 per cent off was too good a deal to pass up.

Getting your own wi-fi

No more ritual visits to your new neighbours where you casually ask for the password while Googling, then spend eight months leeching off it watching fourth-hand Netflix while slumped against the wall nearest their router. Now you have your own internet and can look at porn without breaking up relationships.

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Halifax Town, Torquay United and Stockport County join European Super Non-League

SIX of England’s leading non-league football clubs have formed a new European Super Non-League to play the best fifth-tier teams on the continent. 

Chesterfield, Maidenhead United and Boreham Wood have also agreed to join the breakaway clubs to play ties against the cream of Europe’s lower-level stragglers.

Halifax Town chairman Norman Steele said: “We’re talking about limited-glamour games against the likes of Sporting Pedara, CD Choco and Rapido de Bouzas. Who could resist?

“Imagine the buzz of visiting your local non-league ground and, instead of muching a pie through a dull mid-table clash against Dover Athletic, the pitch is lit up by the passionate journeymen of Real Alviles Industrial or F.C. Aprilia Racing Club.

“We’re confident that once they see how much loose change is on the table, we’ll soon be joined by Norway’s IL Stålkameratene, Romania’s Electrica Timișoara, and Strathspey Thistle.

“Our fans won’t think twice about taking 500-mile transcontinental journeys to Slovenian towns slightly crapper than their own to watch thrillingly workmanlike football. They deserve this.

“There won’t be any relegation, of course. Our six-figure incomes must be protected.”