Six types of people you can't stand but end up socialising with anyway

THERE are new rules for socialising, but sadly not for avoiding people you hate but find yourself stuck in the pub with anyway. Here are the worst.

Your girlfriend’s horrible male friend from uni

Your girlfriend is inexplicably friendly with Steve or Xander or ‘Boff’, but to you he just seems like a twat. Usually into things you have no interest in, eg. high-performance motorbiking and spouting dodgy opinions, he’ll make you want to take your pint and sit in the toilets for the rest of the night, even if it makes you look like the tosser.

House or kids bore

This individual will ruin any evening by talking relentlessly about their house or kids. Others will join in, and the conversation will soon be in a death spiral about combi boilers or GCSE results.

Your boyfriend’s super-creepy friend

Your boyfriend only relates to him on a basic level of going to the pub and talking about footie or films. However once you get talking to him all manner of weirdness comes out, eg. “If my girlfriend came home drunk, I used to leave her locked outside for half an hour.” Also, is he hitting on you with your partner four feet away? Yes. Jesus.

That guy… Chris?

Chris, if that’s his name, just kind of shows up but it’s hard to remember who he is. Is he Zoey’s mate? Or ex? Or actual husband? Either ways he’s a knob who wants to talk about cycle lanes. 

Woman who gets incredibly pissed and requires two hours of close supervision

Totally wasted male friends tend to find their way home like pigeons and grab a kebab on the way. Female friends are trickier, so once Lucy has necked 12 glasses of wine you now have to get a cab, find her lost bag, stop her falling over, locate her keys, realise this isn’t working and get her tucked up on the sofa with a washing up bowl nearby.

Relatives

You can minimise contact but never totally avoid it, so you may as well just resign yourself to finding about young Lee’s pointless Art & Interactive Technology course, or Uncle Gavin’s ultra-right views that make Mussolini seem woke.

How to be into superheroes but still have sex with ladies

DO you know rather too much about superheroes, but also desire a sexual relationship with a real-life woman? Trick them into thinking you’re normal: 

Pretend they’re intellectual graphic novels

Today’s superheroes have often been given a dark reboot with weighty themes, so really it’s like reading Proust if his characters dressed as animals and battled goth clowns. If you can convince a lady that Batman vs Three Jokers is basically Atonement, you might have a chance.

Keep your enthusiasm in check

On a date, stop talking if you find yourself expounding on any of these topics: Doctor Strange’s Eye of Agamotto; the out-of-print Avengers-Justice League crossover; the surprisingly deep characterisation of Rocket Raccoon.

Set your standards lower than Wonder Woman

Being a nerd, you’re bound to be hopelessly in love with Wonder Woman, Black Widow, Jean Grey and so on, all of whom are unfeasibly attractive. But you’ll have to compromise because Gal Gadot is not in Luton or on Tinder.

Be attractive to the ladies in some other way

Find a desirable trait to overshadow your huge Teen Titans collection, for example professional footballer or a tech billionaire. Your chances are almost nil but at least it stops you thinking about that missing Deathstroke first appearance all the time.

Hide the comics

It’s usually considered best to be honest with your partner but discard that advice if you love Sue Storm more than her, which you do. Invest in a padlock for the loft instead.

Keep superheroes out of the bedroom

If you’ve somehow found a superhero-tolerant sexual partner, don’t ruin it by suggesting sexy cosplay. Even the most broadminded female will not wish to be She-Hulk, and she’ll certainly be disturbed by you wanting to bum Batman.