Eight specific and limited ways of breaking the law in certain very tightly defined circumstances

THE Government has announced it will break the law to do something it wants to do. When can you do the same? 

If you disagree with something you thought was great last year

Perhaps you sold your car to a neighbour last December, but over the course of nine heavy-drinking months have decided you did not get a fair deal. The situation has therefore changed so take it back and sell it on.

If you’ve warned everybody in advance

Making an official statement announcing your intention to break the law by assuming possession of your former vehicle entirely absolves you of consequences for doing so. The police cannot touch you.

If you’re preparing for upcoming events

As long as you’re preparing for an upcoming shift of circumstances your law-breaking is prudent and foresighted. Those six kilos of cocaine are for when your employment ceases and you relaunch as an entrepreneur.

If you don’t like the law

Anyone who does not personally approve of a law cannot be compelled to follow it, or freedom is a lie. Simply declare your animosity to drink-driving laws and you may be as intoxicated behind the wheel as you like.

If you don’t like the people who the law benefits

No judge could condemn obeying the law to the detriment of your own desires. For example, if your neighbour is involving the authorities over the issue of the car and they look set to take his side, you are legally clear to burn down his house.

If sovereignty is involved

Just as Parliament is the supreme authority over Britain, you are the supreme authority over your own home. Using it as a cocaine distribution warehouse is your decision and yours alone.

If you need a distraction

In circumstances where you have been performing badly, for example at work given your drink-driving, feud with the neighbour and new role as a drugs kingpin, deliberately releasing plague-infested rats in the office is justifiable.

If Dom says

If Dominic Cummings, who runs the UK like a tech start-up that loses investors millions, says it’s okay to break the law then go ahead. After all he did it and was completely fine.

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'It's my birthday week' says woman who needs to grow the f**k up

A SELFISH brat of a woman has announced that she expects her birthday celebrations to last an entire bloody week.

Nikki Hollis turns 34 on Friday but, in contrast to her biological maturity, believes she should be lavished with birthday attention across seven days instead of the customary one.

Friend Tom Logan said: “Everyone loves their birthday. It’s when we get presents we’ve explicitly asked for and old friends send you half-hearted Facebook messages.

“But Nikki seems to believe that she deserves to be thrown some kind of week-long carnival, which is ludicrous. Even if it’s a big one you’re looking at 24 hours of indulgence, tops. Clue’s in the name.”

Hollis said: “Friday I’m marathoning Harry Potter films, Saturday I’m out with the girls, Sunday’s for family, Monday my boyfriend’s planned a special day, Tuesday’s my work birthday, the last two days I’ve asked friends to surprise me.

“And none of it will cost me a penny because I’ll go doe-eyed and coo ‘but it’s my birthday’ whenever it’s my turn to get a round in.

“When I blow out the candles on my last cake, will I wish for another seven days of birthday? I can’t tell you, or it won’t come true.”