Six ways to convince yourself being under 50 is very young

TOO young for a vaccine yet but actually deep into middle age? Here’s how to ignore annoying reality and convince yourself being slightly shy of 50 is practically being 25.

Compare yourself with ageing celebrities

Brad Pitt: 57. Liz Hurley: 55. Michelle Pfeiffer: 62. With some serious Wikipedia-bashing the list just goes on and on. God, you’re so young in comparison and therefore probably even hotter than George Clooney (59) but without the enormous wealth or success.

You like rap

Well, a bit of Public Enemy and NWA, anyway – apart from the ones that advocate killing police officers, which is irresponsible. Also Chuck D is 60, which is reassuring (see above).

You probably won’t become properly old like your parents

Your parents are into dreadful toss such as Midsomer Murders, trogging around garden centres and listening to The Best of Acker Bilk. Simply avoid these activities – which isn’t much of a personal loss – and you are, by comparison, very young. 

Firmly believe the world is still your oyster

Cherry-pick examples of success that happened quite quickly, such as JK Rowling and Harry Potter. Assume you can easily replicate this, put your laptop on the kitchen table and get cracking on building a multi-billion dollar empire with your completely original novel Hannah Trotter and the Magic Wizarding Tree

You have a youthful outlook

And you do. Unlike certain older relatives you have no problem with gay people, black people or the French. And you wear trainers. Although so does your uncle Gerald, who finds them comfortable for gardening and uses terms like ‘nancy boys’.

Hang out with prematurely aged younger acquaintances

These people are gold dust for anyone feeling a bit old. Hang out with a niece, nephew or friend aged 25 who drones about one of the following: buy-to-let, their pension scheme, or immigration. You’ll feel like a bouncing spring lamb, and a lot less tedious.

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Five better places to put your money than a shitty 0.05% savings account

IT’S difficult knowing where to put your savings when interest rates can earn you up to 20p every few months. Here are five places to keep your cash for a larger return.

Bingo

Invest wisely down the local bingo hall while having hours of adrenaline-filled fun. Now is the ideal time to play this game of chance as your elderly rivals may be feeling woozy from their Covid vaccinations. 

Toss your cash into a fast-flowing stream

There’s an element of risk involved, but hurling your savings into a river is better than giving them to a high street bank. As you retrieve your soggy notes, you might find some dropped change on the riverbank, or an eccentric millionaire in a yacht who wants you to become the son they never had. More cautious investors should throw all their money into a wishing well.

Bargain Hunt

Trawling car boot sales for antiques and then selling them at auction for £2 profit is the best way to save for a mortgage. After selling a few pewter tankards, you’re sure to have enough for a deposit on a two-bed in Stoke. Even if you make a loss, it’s still better than withdrawing early from a Help to Buy ISA.

Russian roulette

A stake in an illegal gambling game in an isolated barn in Thailand offers a far higher rate of ‘interest’ than a monthly saver account. And you can ‘withdraw’ your cash with no financial penalties as soon as you haven’t blown your brains out.

Buy a pint next to Matt Hancock

One of the biggest returns you will see on an investment is by simply buying a drink for a f**kwit government minister. It hardly matters what your company does, or indeed if you have a company – if you know how to use Internet Explorer, Matt is sure to give you a high-tech contract in return for a Bacardi Breezer.