Friday, 14th May 2021

Six ways to convince yourself being under 50 is very young

TOO young for a vaccine yet but actually deep into middle age? Here’s how to ignore annoying reality and convince yourself being slightly shy of 50 is practically being 25.

Compare yourself with ageing celebrities

Brad Pitt: 57. Liz Hurley: 55. Michelle Pfeiffer: 62. With some serious Wikipedia-bashing the list just goes on and on. God, you’re so young in comparison and therefore probably even hotter than George Clooney (59) but without the enormous wealth or success.

You like rap

Well, a bit of Public Enemy and NWA, anyway – apart from the ones that advocate killing police officers, which is irresponsible. Also Chuck D is 60, which is reassuring (see above).

You probably won’t become properly old like your parents

Your parents are into dreadful toss such as Midsomer Murders, trogging around garden centres and listening to The Best of Acker Bilk. Simply avoid these activities – which isn’t much of a personal loss – and you are, by comparison, very young. 

Firmly believe the world is still your oyster

Cherry-pick examples of success that happened quite quickly, such as JK Rowling and Harry Potter. Assume you can easily replicate this, put your laptop on the kitchen table and get cracking on building a multi-billion dollar empire with your completely original novel Hannah Trotter and the Magic Wizarding Tree

You have a youthful outlook

And you do. Unlike certain older relatives you have no problem with gay people, black people or the French. And you wear trainers. Although so does your uncle Gerald, who finds them comfortable for gardening and uses terms like ‘nancy boys’.

Hang out with prematurely aged younger acquaintances

These people are gold dust for anyone feeling a bit old. Hang out with a niece, nephew or friend aged 25 who drones about one of the following: buy-to-let, their pension scheme, or immigration. You’ll feel like a bouncing spring lamb, and a lot less tedious.